Workplace Wellbeing: When you can't let go of a grudge 

Holding onto a grievance can increase your stress and anxiety levels.  It's more productive to look at what it says about you and your belief system 

Pic: iStock

Begrudgers, that’s what we are. This is according to a global online poll of 12,000 adults by the review website Trustpilot in 2022, which found that 78% of us have a lingering resentment. And not just one. The average adult was found to be harbouring seven grudges at any one time.

Maybe you envy the colleague who got the promotion you wanted. Or perhaps you’ll never forgive the co-worker who stole your cupcake from the office fridge.

Some grudges are big. Others, like the saga of the missing cupcake, are small. But one thing is for sure: Grudges are common in the workplace.

“One of the most common workplace grudges I see is due to people claiming credit for something another person has worked on,” says executive coach Fiona Buckley. “Other grudges can arise from misunderstandings, feeling excluded, or resenting someone else’s success.”

Often grudges aren’t even based on fact. “I define grudges as a narrative or reaction someone has had in response to the perceived behaviour of another person,” says chartered work and organisational psychologist Leisha McGrath, pictured inset.

“That word ‘perception’ is very important. It’s rarely the thing itself that causes the problem but our reaction to it. We can often perceive slights from people who meant us no harm at all.”

McGrath also points out that some people are more prone to take offence than others. “There are people who have a victim mindset,” she says. 

“They are the type to say things like, ‘poor me’, ‘everyone is out to get me’, or ‘nobody sees me as the brilliant person I am’. We can all think like this at times and if we’re more disposed to that mindset, we’re more likely to hold grudges. Similarly, if we have an external locus of control and look for validation from others, we may be more inclined to form grudges when that validation isn’t forthcoming.”

Leisha McGrath, executive coach

Grudges stick

Once formed, grudges can quickly take root and become long-lasting. Proof of this was provided by the online poll in which 15% of people admitted to carrying grudges for 11 years or more.

This finding doesn’t surprise Buckley. “Grudges stick,” she says. “If you’re working closely with a person you resent regularly, thoughts of that grudge can come to your mind almost daily, conjuring up and reinforcing negative emotions.”

Those negative emotions can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Research such as a 2020 University of Delaware study shows that these feelings can manifest as stress, which can then lead to physical symptoms such as high blood pressure and heart problems. They can also cause mental health issues, with a third of those surveyed for the Trustpilot poll stating that their mental health had suffered due to their ongoing feud.

“Holding grudges can negatively impact the quality of your life,” says Buckley. “It can make you more pessimistic, increase your stress levels and make you more likely to suffer from anxiety. It can also prevent positive thinking and stop you from focusing. If we can let go of grudges, it will lighten the load in our minds.”

McGrath agrees that holding onto a grievance takes a heavy toll. “Grudges tend to do more damage to the people carrying them than anyone else,” she says. “They can take hold and dig deep into the psyche, negatively affecting the way you view the world around you.”

It’s all to do with how we analyse our emotions, explains Buckley. “Feelings are there to be felt but they also need to be processed, especially if they’re negative,” she says. “When we don’t process these emotions, they hang around. A grudge is a persistent feeling of resentment and resentment is a very deep negative emotion. Holding on to it will never make you feel better.”

Fiona Buckley, executive coach

Conscious thinking

Letting go isn’t always easy, destructive as these feelings may be. The first step is to acknowledge the feeling of resentment. “Often grudges float around in our semi-conscious or unconscious thinking,” says Buckley. “If we’re not aware of them, we can’t deal with them. So, to bring these feelings into our conscious thinking and to check to see if we hold a grudge against someone, we should ask ourselves if we get irritated by that person easily and if only negative thoughts come to our mind when we think of them.”

The next step is to name that negative emotion. “Once you name it, you can neutralise it,” she says.

“By confronting your feelings and asking yourself why you’re harbouring resentment, you may well find that the feeling is down to you and is therefore something you have control over.”

This is because grudges often say more about the grudge bearer than the begrudged. “I’ve heard it said that every time you point a finger at someone else, there are at least three fingers pointing back at you,” says Buckley. “The issue is often yours.”

McGrath also encourages asking yourself what the grudge says about you. “The way you’re feeling is probably not about the other person at all so try to take them out of it,” she says. “Ask yourself what it is about the interaction causing you pain. If you missed out on a promotion, you may be feeling disappointed and hurt. Take responsibility for those feelings and then take steps to channel them positively.”

This could mean identifying areas where you lack qualifications or experience and then proactively pursuing those qualifications or experiences so that you are better placed for promotion next time.

We can only control our own behaviour, so McGrath urges us all to think of the upsetting event as A, the internal narrative we have about the event as B and the reaction that springs from that narrative as C.

“We often move directly from A to C, skipping over B entirely,” she says. “A can never change, but C can, depending on what we tell ourselves in B. We can’t change another person’s behaviour. All we can do is manage our own. By asking ourselves what’s going on underneath the pain of our grudges, we can work out positive and proactive ways of dealing with them.”

Another technique that can help prevent a grudge from taking hold is to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. “Try to exercise some empathy and put yourself in their shoes,” says Buckley, pictured left.

“Assume positive intent and you may arrive at a different understanding of their actions.”

Even in cases where you feel justified in holding a grudge, it will benefit you more to view the situation with compassion. “By forgiving and accepting the situation or the person, you don’t have to agree with their actions, but you do consciously choose to let it go and not let it fester,” says Buckley.

“That’s far more liberating and far better for your wellbeing than holding tight to a grudge.”

So, the next time you find yourself resenting a colleague’s success or ruminating over how a co-worker slighted you in some way, stop to reflect on what’s actually happening.

By showing compassion towards yourself and others, you will free yourself from workplace grudges and the negative impact they can have on your wellbeing.