Sex File: Will our passion fade if he leaves his wife and we become a real couple?

Suzi Godson: "Some people divorce because they recognise that they are simply not happy with their spouse anymore and would rather be on their own; others have found another partner they want to start a new life with."

After my divorce, I rekindled a relationship with a former lover, who is still married with (older) children. The sex is incredible but I'm horrified that he's started talking about leaving his wife for me. I worry that the passion would fade if we became a real couple. Can't we just enjoy what we have?

I don't know how or why your marriage ended but I do know that most divorces are hugely painful and I can understand why, after that kind of trauma, you might want to have a no-strings sexual relationship. 

The issue here is that you have chosen a partner who is very much attached. At first glance, it looks as if you may have purposely rekindled something with an old flame because it was easier than putting yourself out there to find someone new but I suspect there's more to it than that.

Divorce is not necessarily equally difficult for everyone. Some people divorce because they recognise that they are simply not happy with their spouse anymore and would rather be on their own; others have found another partner they want to start a new life with, and often this is someone they have been having an affair with during the final years of their marriage. 

Both these groups may have reconciled themselves to divorce long before it has even been mentioned and it gives them a psychological head start, allowing them to jump straight out of the marriage and into a new relationship or new-found independence.

For others, the transition is much more painful. If there is no new partner lined up to distract them, they may feel they are back to square one. The past looks like a wrong turn and the future an unknown quantity. 

It is interesting, then, that in this situation you chose to go back to the person you were before you got married. Instead of reconciling with your present situation and tentatively beginning to explore new possibilities, you chose to essentially turn back time and re-engage with a former lover, who knew you and loved you before your marriage began, let alone ended.

Looking backwards will always be an incredibly effective way of avoiding facing the future - but your lover now wants a future with you and you are scared about what would happen if you became a "real" couple. After all, you have first-hand knowledge of what happens when two people who love each other get married and allow the passion to fade. 

Why would the incredible sex you have with your former lover be any different, you ask yourself. That doubt is perennial and will follow you into any future relationship, but you also have existing intelligence on what commitment looks like with him. It's worth thinking about that.

You asked how you could encourage your lover to enjoy what you have now but unfortunately relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They never stay the same. However great the sex is, what you have now is not what he wants and probably not what you need.

Moving forward, my advice would be to take some time to focus on the relationship you have with yourself, not the one you have with someone else's husband.

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