Joanna Fortune: My baby is making strange to his grandmother and it's causing tension

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My eight-month-old son has started to make strange to my mother-in-law. It's awkward as she visits weekly and helps with the childcare. I'm sure it's a temporary phase but it's causing a lot of tension. Is there anything I can do?  

 Making strange is a very normal stage of development for babies. It typically occurs around the six-month mark when your baby becomes more aware of familiar caregivers versus less familiar adults. 

When a baby makes strange, it's not personal to an individual and the onus is on the grown-up to understand this as a phase of the baby's development and not as a behaviour their parent can resolve.

It takes babies approximately their first four months to realise they are separate from their key attachment figure. At this stage, they begin to develop an awareness of the different people in their world and will migrate to those in their attachment network who are most familiar. 

While all this development is happening, less familiar people can be perceived as a threat and they will seek the comfort of their safety network. While I appreciate that this behaviour may be experienced as socially awkward when your baby is crying in the arms of his grandmother, in truth, it is a healthy sign - your child can recognise who is their safe, trusted adult.

Encourage Granny to speak, sing, and be at her grandson's eye level.  While holding him in your arms, sit close to her on the sofa. Speak with Granny while continuing to hold your baby, and let him see you smiling and laughing together. Bring some of his familiar toys and items to Granny’s house and lay them out on a play mat so he gets used to the space. 

Don’t force your baby into anyone’s arms  - leave space for him to feel comfortable enough to move past this phase.

Sometimes a baby can negatively react to someone even when they are familiar with them. It can be a reaction to the pitch or tone of their voice, the perfume they wear or the firmness of a touch that isn’t as familiar as yours. Perhaps you can give Granny a scarf you have been wearing to drape over her shoulder when holding your baby as this will offer him a more familiar and soothing scent. 

Be aware that when babies are teething or feeling unwell they are more likely to cling to their parent over anyone else - this is not making strange, it is comfort-seeking.

You need to reassure Granny, and yourself, that there is nothing wrong with your baby and his reaction. It's not personal to her (though I appreciate it may feel as though it is in the moment), nor is it a rejection of her. This is a typical phase in young babies and it will pass. 

Granny has raised children and will know this to be true so some gentle, empathic reminding of this fact and give this some time.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]