Michael Moynihan: The (Cork) questions we should be asking presidential election hopefuls

Why will you be president and not Cillian Murphy?

The presidential election is on Friday, which is good news.

It means that soon it will all be over, and all of us will be able to breathe again, free of memories of the old Kissinger line about the Iran-Iraq war (settle, settle - ed) Apologies for the lateness of the hour with this column, but I have had enough to be dealing with in recent weeks. 

Musing on matters as diverse as the new toilet being opened down the Marina (last Thursday) to another collapse in the traffic light system around Cork (last Friday, featuring in a column soon) leaves little room for other material on the hard drive.

Even though it’s the 11th hour, we still have time to raise concerns. To air our grievances. The two remaining candidates for Áras an Uachtaráin can still be questioned.

And not in a vague way. To quote the response of a member of my household on hearing news about others residing at this address: “That’s very interesting for you, but what does it mean for me?” 

In that vein, here are some sample questions which our candidates should really answer if they claim to represent us all.

And by all I mean, of course, all of us on Leeside.

Why will you be president and not (Cillian Murphy/Patrick Horgan/the Cork member of Kingfishr)?

Will you move the Áras from the Phoenix Park to Fitzgerald’s Park? If not, why not?

When will you put a road between Cork and Limerick? (Correction: a real road.) Will you allow us an annual purge out in Bishopstown?

Will you fix the footpath behind Horgan’s Quay coming along the Albert Road?

Will you approve legislation that allows us to hunt down people making up nonsense about half-time rows in dressing-rooms?

Will you get someone to paint in the traffic lanes on the entrance to the South Link coming from the Elysian?

Will you find out what happened to the swimming pool that was in the old North Mon?

Will you let people be buried by the River Dissour, with or without their hurleys?

Will you try to eavesdrop down at the farmer’s market in Blackrock to work out who the biggest snob in Cork is? Picture: Dan Linehan

Will you put a new town out by Monard so we can actually get people to live there?

Will you get the Army Rangers to patrol posh Dunnes around Christmas time, specifically the queues approaching the self-service?

Will you be coming down to open the new apartments down where the Sextant was, or will you have some self-respect?

Will you try to eavesdrop down at the farmer’s market in Blackrock to work out who the biggest snob in Cork is?

Will you be sure to send Jimmy Lynam a letter and a cheque for his one-hundredth birthday?

Will you send Rory Gallagher’s guitar down to us?

Will you make sure there is a train station built in Kilbarry to serve Blackpool or are you another train separatist?

Will you send Rory Gallagher’s guitar down to us?

Will you give Joe Healy a ring for some of his photographs so we can rebuild Mandy’s as a theme park experience?

Will you veto our relegation?

Will you get, e’er, a public toilet for us so we don’t have to remember the secret knock for the magic loo on the Grand Parade?

Will you reopen the Queen’s Old Castle so we can all relive our childhoods as kids in Mary Rose’s coffee shop?

Will you get someone to take note of the cars breaking the red light at a) the entrance to Mahon Point, specifically cars coming from the east; b) the junction of Albert Quay and Albert Street; and c) the Camden Place-Christy Ring Bridge-bottom of Mulgrave Road intersection?

Will you just get some cameras installed at traffic lights around Cork to catch people using phones while driving, come to that?

Will you have a garden party specifically in honour of the people who are making Cork a better place (names available on request)?

Will you sign an order reopening Spike Island specifically as a place of detention for people who are making Cork a worse place (names available on payment of a small fee)?

Will you get the proposed route for the new Cork light rail system (the Leeas) to go north of the river just to prove the iron horse can actually do so?

Will you force us all to sign a pledge declaring Galway the undisputed capital of ‘craic’ in Ireland?

Will you force us all to sign a pledge making us learn 'Stony Grey Soil' off by heart?

Will you have a look at that weird cycle lane outside the Clayton and confirm it’s nonsense and we’re not imagining it?

Could our bookstores expand their second-hand section? Picture: iStock

Will you agree to a new bridge across the Lee so we can all lose our minds about naming it?

Will you do something about those leprechauns (if you know, you know)?

Will you stop people from saying — in Cork, yet — they can ‘split the G’ on human rights grounds?

Will you get the people who park at the top of Wallace’s Avenue on the double yellow lines to move before they cause a crash?

Will you get Vibes and Scribes to expand its second-hand book section (especially the Cork books department)?

Will we see you at the Fireman’s Rest — either inside (on your own given the amount of room available) or outside looking in (at some poor soul trapped within)?

Will you ensure the sandwiches served in the Long Valley are kept unchanged a la the Protected Structures list of buildings, just with more mayonnaise involved?

Will you try to get a few updated maps to the lads planning BusConnects so we don’t have any more embarrassing mistakes?

Will you be bringing dogs to the Phoenix Park and if so will they be from the Northern Hunt, Griffin United, or Shanakiel?

Will you ensure this columnist gets the respect due for his AOH Cup medal, won, lo, these many years ago?

Will you have a word with the contractors digging up roads and streets all over Cork and get them to leave them drivable afterwards rather than leaving them half lumpy tarmacadam, half smooth surface?

Will you try to get a few more vape shops to open in Cork, because if there’s one thing we need etc. etc?

Will you get the parklet restored down in Douglas as you’re at it?

Will you establish definitively what the nicest coffee is in Cork City (as long as you agree it’s Salt and Cafe Gusto)?

Will you find out what is going on with Bishop Lucey Park?

Will you find out what is going on with the 215 to Mahon Point — whether it even exists, come to that?

Will you have the appropriate opinion on who to side with when it comes to the movie Saipan?

Note: glad to be of help to everyone. You’ll notice I didn’t raise any issues I might have with something in Cork which rhymes with Shmevent Shentre.

No point in asking the impossible.

Michael Moynihan is at:

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