Dear Dáithí: I feel so hurt because my dad left much more to my siblings in his will

Dáithí Ó Sé: "Here’s what I do know about families and society in general. People put too much focus on money and sometimes equate money with love." Picture: Domnick Walsh

This article was first published on May 26, 2025

Dear Dáithí, 

I'm in a tough spot and not sure how to handle it. My father passed away recently, and while it’s been hard to grieve, what’s been weighing on me even more is the way my siblings have handled the inheritance. I feel completely cheated.

My dad left behind a modest estate, and when the will was read, it became clear that my two brothers and my sister had
received a significantly larger share, while I’ve been given what feels like a token amount.

Now, I know the old saying about not speaking ill of the dead, and I don’t want to dishonour my dad by making this a public issue, but it feels like a betrayal.

It’s not just about the money, but the fact that my siblings are acting like nothing is wrong.

They’re treating it like a done deal and moving on, while I’m left feeling hurt and betrayed by people I’ve always considered my closest family.

The last thing I want is to create a rift in the family, but I don’t know how to just swallow this and pretend everything is fine.

Should I confront them and risk causing tension, or should I just accept that this is how things are now and try to move on?

First of all, I’m very sorry to hear that your dad has passed, this can be a very tough time for you all and it has been made harder for you now because of this will and the fact that the only person who can really answer all of your questions — the what, why, and how — is no longer with us.

It sounds like from your letter that it seems to be your siblings more so than your father that ‘handled the inheritance’ and if this is the case, I think you should get sound legal advice but only do so if it is the case.

That’s a serious subject to bring up and shouldn’t be messed around with. Wills can be tricky at the best of times and even if they are carved up in equal proportion somebody will still turn around and say ‘well I minded dad and mom for all those years and why should I get the same amount as you’ and so on. And the trouble is what I’ve already said, the person with the answers has gone.

If you are reading this and thinking of making a will, tell everyone now what and why they are getting it so there can be no dispute when you’re gone, but take my advice and try and spend as much of it as you can between now and then!

Of course, your siblings are acting like there is nothing wrong because they don’t see anything wrong, they seem to be happy with what they have gotten. You are the person asking why you only got a ‘token amount’; from the outside looking in it does seem weird.

You seem to have had a very good relationship with your dad and see no reason why you should have been treated differently.

So, you need to address this. We’ll stay away from words like ‘confront’ and move towards ‘approach’ and ‘ask’, and not ‘demand’ answers.

Find the sibling who you are closest with and ask to meet and sit down and come straight out with it: ‘I wonder why dad left me this and you and the rest that’. I’d ask if one of the family spoke to dad about this before he passed.

There might be a reason why he did this. Maybe your siblings need it more than you, maybe each of them has financial troubles, we don’t know, but it’s time to find out.

They might also be greedy and saw their opportunities, I don’t know. All I do know is that this has left you feeling hurt and betrayed and that’s not a nice feeling and the fact that they are your siblings makes it a lot worse.

At the end of your letter you ask if you should just accept it and try and move on and pretend that everything is fine. No you shouldn’t do that
because it ‘will’, no pun intended, never go away. It will always hang over your head until it’s sorted or at least addressed now.

There is a lot I don’t know about your family situation, but here’s what I do know about families and society in general. People put too much focus on money and sometimes equate money with love, i.e. in this case, your dad loved your siblings more because he left them more in his will. This is simply not true, and we, as a society, need to get away from that way of thinking.

There seems to be a monetary value on everything nowadays and it makes people think in a different way than before and I think it’s dangerous. I think it’s important to say that your dad loved you the same as the rest and not to forget that in the middle of all of this, because in reality if he didn’t, you’d have known long before this. It’s important, as I’ve said here before, to stick to the facts and reality.

I know it’s hard to keep emotion out of this when you’re trying to think straight. But the facts are the facts!

That said, at the moment, emotions are very high as your dad isn’t long passed so it’s up to you when you want to bring this to their attention. I would say not to leave it too long. 

Your siblings probably won’t be too happy with this but it isn’t about them — all you are looking for are a few answers.

There might be a very straightforward reason for all of this and that’s why we’ll approach with care. But stand your ground; if you’re not happy with what you’re hearing, challenge them on their answers.

Even if you don’t get anything else from it, you’ll have stood up for something you believed in and that is something to behold and that your dad would be proud of.