Dear Dáithí: Out of the blue, my husband says he wants to have kids. What should I do? 

Dáithí Ó Sé: "From what you’ve described, it sounds like someone who was once happy dodging bullets… and now wants to put his own to use. For me, this whole letter revolves around one word: Fulfilment." Picture: Domnick Walsh.

My husband and I never had children. It just didn’t happen for us — we never really investigated it or tried alternative methods. Our attitude was always: What will be, will be. I’m 41 now, and my husband just turned 49.

Out of the blue, he said he feels like we might have made a mistake, and that we could be missing out by not experiencing parenthood. I was flabbergasted. We have lots of nieces and nephews, and friends with kids, and he’s always said how glad he is that we can send them home at the end of a visit. 

We laugh about it — it’s one of our in-jokes. If we’re out in a restaurant or somewhere where kids are being difficult, we’ll whisper to each other, ‘dodged a bullet there’ or something like that.

I feel like that ship has sailed for me — I’m exhausted just thinking about it. He says maybe we should make an appointment and get tests to see if it’s even a possibility, and then take it from there. However, I’m very happy in my career; I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t feel like I’m missing out by not having children — in fact, I believe I wouldn’t have achieved the level I’m at now if I’d paused to raise a family. We go on really lovely holidays, we enjoy a great lifestyle, which I truly value.

So how do we get on the same page without this becoming a deal breaker for either of us?

We are extremely happy in every other way, and this has just come completely out of the blue.

There's no right or wrong answer to this letter — only a personal one, unique to you and your husband.

It didn’t happen for you before, and 30 years ago that would have been the end of the story, unless you had a lot of money or access to rare alternatives. 

Nowadays, a 41-year-old woman or a 49-year-old man thinking about having their first child is seen as quite normal. However, that only matters if the people involved want to have one.

From your letter, it’s clear that you don’t — and from what you’ve written, your husband is more expressing a thought out loud than issuing a demand or ultimatum.

He’s asking if you should make an appointment and see what’s possible, but this may really be a way of starting the conversation. Because let’s be honest: There won’t be any tests unless there’s a big, honest conversation first.

Before even that, you need to check in with yourself. You do sound very sure in your letter, but make absolutely certain — this is a moment to be 100% clear on what you want.

You might be wondering, why now? Possibly because the topic wasn’t explored in a comprehensive way before, and now it’s resurfaced. It’s a question that, if not addressed, could take you somewhere you don’t want to go.

From your perspective, all signs pointed to him being content. He joked about “dodging bullets”, enjoyed handing the nieces and nephews back, and life was good —until, suddenly, it seems like it might not be good enough for him anymore. That’s confusing and even frustrating, but it’s also human.

So where is this coming from? Has he been thinking about it for a while? Did something happen to bring this to the surface? Is he genuinely reconsidering everything, or just wanting to close the door on the question once and for all?

You’ll need to ask. From what you’ve described, it sounds like someone who was once happy dodging bullets… and now wants to put his own to use.

For me, this whole letter revolves around one word: Fulfilment.

You sound extremely happy and fulfilled. You’ve worked hard, built a great life, and you don’t feel you’re missing out by not having kids — fair play to you for knowing that. A lot of people struggle with that feeling. You didn’t. You moved forward.

However, maybe your husband is feeling only half-fulfilled. When people start asking questions like this, it can come from a sense that something’s missing. He might think kids are the answer. They may or may not be. They’re certainly not the only path to fulfilment, but they are the one many people jump to.

So he has some exploring to do. He might just need to close that chapter definitively, or he might genuinely want to open it. You need to be ready for either answer.

Fulfilment isn’t just individual —it’s also shared. If one person in a relationship is unfulfilled, it will eventually affect the couple’s happiness too. This is a big deal. 

If left unspoken, it can slowly cause you to drift apart. You want to keep the good thing you have going, and part of that is making sure your husband feels truly content too. Whatever he’s going through, try to walk that journey with him.

First, make sure you know exactly where you stand. I’m not here to tell you that parenthood is the greatest thing in the world or try to sell it to you — this is your story. Be honest with yourself, and be clear. 

Then sit down and have that big conversation — not just about whether to get tests, but about what fulfilment means to each of you, what’s missing (if anything), and what comes next.

I don’t see a deal breaker here —just a crossroads.

The beautiful thing is, you already have so many positives in your life. Keep focusing on those as you work through this, together.