Ask Audrey: My husband wants to surprise me with a strip tease, how can I stop him?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages

Never open a package addressed to your husband when your mother is over for morning tea. 

Myself and Mummy were halfway through our Earl Grey and muffins in the conservatory of my understated stylish 1930s home on the Model Farm Road, ding dong on the doorbell and there’s a small package with my Ken’s name on the address. 

I brought it in and didn’t Mummy say, “I’m bored off my tits listening to you banging on about Lee Valley Golf Club Karen, open that there and we’ll have a sconce.” 

Stripper pants, Audrey, stripper pants. My Ken, one of life’s crushing bores, who has been in need of an underwear refresh since 2014, is after buying a pair of Full Monty slacks from a website called Not ‘Alf Missus. 

I said to Mummy, I wonder is he having an affair and she said, you better hope he is Karen, because it’s either that or he’s planning to surprise you on your birthday and I don’t think any of us want to picture that. 

I certainly don’t Audrey, he insists on having a chat during sex, there’s no break from the man. How can I find out if he’s planning a surprise for my birthday? 

— Karen, Model Farm Road

Put a note into the package saying “I’d rather get a colonoscopy from a hedgehog in Boherbue.” He’ll get the message. If he doesn’t, divorce.

Hey Audrey, I’m 17 and my mother is making me write to you because she doesn’t think I’ll get good advice on TikTok. (I mean like, what the actual?) 

So I’m really bright at school, I’ve a photographic memory so I can get 100% in my chemistry exams (honours) without understanding a word I write, don’t ask me where I got the smarts because my father still hasn’t got to grips with Wordle, he’s dying for me to choose a career TODAY because his life expectancy is about 70, whereas my generation is going to live to 110, so like, no rush wrinklies, ya feelin’ me? 

My mother wants me to do medicine because she thinks it will get her a better parking spot in the golf club, and it’s Douglas Golf Club so she’s probably right. 

They think I should choose the highest paying job, whereas I want a job that will attract babes. I did actually check on TikTok but most of the people there are baristas and that’s a crowded market on the babe-magnet front. 

So what is the go-to career now for a not entirely good-looking guy, I have my mother’s nose? 

— Declan, Douglas Road, I hate my name.

And so you should. My niece is 17, I’m afraid to talk to her for a few more years, she’d ate you without salt. I said, what do you look for in a guy? She said, how many times do I have to tell you Audrey, I’m a f**king lesbian!! I said, answer the question. (It’s too easy to get a rise out of her.)

C’mere what’s the story with performance anxiety in a country house hotel? 

The old doll booked a weekend away in a castle in Tipperary for my birthday, did she book me tickets for two to watch Liverpool, no Audrey, she did not. 

Anyway, I like the country manor buzz, you can be rude to Tipp culchies, give me a drink there boy will ya. 

The problem is, the ride. The old doll and I have a nice thing going on the sex front now, I can get it all wrapped up in seven minutes, head hits the pillow, Dowcha Donie over and out. Except when we are in a posh room in the countryside and she’s after getting a new matching bra and knickers set for ‘the occasion’. 

It’s an occasion Audrey and I’m expected to turn into a stallion. The pressure, let’s just say I can end up as floppy a southsider. 

Budgie gets this powder on the internet, guaranteed stiffness but it leaves you deaf for an hour. Should I give it a lash, like? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

Send me on some for My Conor. It’s just as well that he doesn’t hear my post-coital review. (Post-coital means after sex, Dowcha Donie, I’m forever explaining things to northsiders.)

It’s getting smoky on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Love to Throw the First Barbecue of the Year. 

Flo_Gas started it yesterday when she posted an image of the weather forecast for the Bank Holiday Weekend, it could be as dreary as Mallow. 

This started a chat about who is going to try and throw the first big barbecue of The Season. It’s all about the weather Audrey – if you throw an early April bash with good weather, people think you’re some kind of hospitality goddess. 

But if it rains, you’re about as popular as Simon Harris. You seem to know everything Audrey – is it going to be nice on Bank Holiday Monday? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my nephew there, he works in Met Eireann. I said, is that Mark? He said, yes, but it could be Maria as well. I said, are you transitioning? He said no Audrey, I’m a meteorologist so I never give a straight answer to everything. I said, would you have a barbecue this Monday on the Douglas Road? He said, I would indeed, but I’d have it inside. Jesus.