Consumer Corner: How important is money in a relationship? 

Can money buy love and other burning questions around relationships and finances

As Valentine's Day approaches love and romance will be all around. There will be battles in many people’s heads asking whether they should spend €100 on a bouquet of red roses in the florist or opt for the €30 Aldi bunch. 

Valentine’s is big business and shop shelves are packed with chocolate hearts and overpriced greeting cards. 

However, while many people will buy into the craze to show affection for their partner on Valentine’s Day when the rose petal confetti has been thrown in the fire after the big day love and money issues can run much deeper in relationships.

Money can often be a tricky topic to navigate in any relationship, be it new or old. There are many issues that will crop up as a relationship evolves and even in the early days money can be a big aspect of relationship success.

Rachel Greenwald is a celebrity matchmaker and a Harvard fellow, she says that money is a source of great conflict in relationships and often with money it is about what it symbolises such as power or freedom.

One of the big questions however is can you buy love? According to Ms Greenwald, there is an automatic response of, ‘oh no’ but she says that money can help you buy love but also hinder you in finding love. She says that money can help you make the process of finding love easier such as paying for matchmaker services.

“Money does help make the process more efficient when looking for love,” she says.

However on the flip side she says money can hinder people. 

She points out that there’s a mindset with wealthy people that they always want the best and that creeps into their search for a mate through a superficial lens, and they will look for things in a future partner like attractiveness and other things that they think they want rather than what they need in a potential partner.

She says that when talking to people looking for love she asks them to think about a person who genuinely makes them happy when they’re around them and someone might say, oh my sister for example. She says that it is important for people to remember this when they are searching for a partner and says that someone who is trying to buy the best can often miss out on what really makes them happy.

When it comes to being honest about money and financial matters in a relationship, financial guru John Lowe of MoneyDoctor.ie says that couples should discuss money together before jumping into any serious, committed relationship. 

He says that of all the subjects that couples argue about from the choice of holiday destination to who should do the washing up, money arguments are the hardest to resolve.

“This is because our money beliefs tend to be firmly held, unconscious and non-negotiable. Couples who want to build a financially secure future need to keep an open mind regarding each other’s viewpoint. One of you may be a saver and the other a spender but that doesn’t mean compromise isn’t possible.”

Mr Lowe says that communication is key and if you don’t communicate you will not know what the other person is thinking. If you are worried about money being an issue in a relationship then the key solution is talking about it and very often understanding the other person’s spending.

There is another issue that often comes up in a relationship concerning money and that is if a person has a money secret and they are afraid to confess to their partner.

Mr Lowe says that firstly you must pick your moment to confess.

“No one likes to receive bad news just when they have to go to work or do something else. Better to raise the topic when you are alone and there is time to talk about it. If appropriate, don’t forget to say sorry,” he says.

According to Mr Lowe, people should not fool themselves that borrowing or spending money without telling your partner won’t upset them.

“But, equally remember that it is only money. The important thing is that there should be honesty in your relationship,” he says.

“If you are harbouring a money secret from your partner, my advice is to come clean. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be when it is discovered. Also, it is much harder, and sometimes impossible to analyse your joint financial position is one of you is holding out.”

Mortgage advisor Joey Sheahan of MyMortgages.ie says that an area where he sees many couples argue is when it comes to online shopping. He says that couples must be open and honest with each other about their finances. 

Mr Sheahan points out how some couples are not honest about money and this can impact on their financial affairs.

“Anecdotally we have come across several cases where couples have to come to us to start their mortgage application process, only for one party to learn that they may not be saving the €1,000 per month that they thought they were, as the other party was spending some of these reserves on a regular basis, buying clothes or betting on horses for example.”