Colman Noctor: Pressure to be perfect undermines mental health of teen girls

American sociologist Jonathan Haidt suggests that girls, more than boys, engage in social media in ways that increase their emotional vulnerability. Picture: iStock 

A Shona Project survey suggests that teenage girls are struggling. This will likely come as no surprise to parents.

In today’s fast-paced, high-pressure world, raising adolescent girls can feel like walking a tightrope. One moment they’re laughing with friends, and, the next, they’re overwhelmed by anxiety, tears, or are withdrawn.

As a parent of a pre-teen daughter, I can confirm that this emotional rollercoaster can be worrying and confusing. For the girls, the stress of navigating a world consumed by performance while undergoing dramatic hormonal changes is challenging.

The Shona Project, a non-profit organisation that mentors girls, spoke to more than 1,000 of them aged between 12 and 19 in Ireland. It revealed widespread anxiety, pressure, and safety concerns.

The key findings present a bleak picture of how girls and young women perceive themselves and their life experiences:

• 67% said their school environment is not a safe or welcoming space;
• 89% reported carrying anxiety or worry that no one knows about;
• 79% said they sometimes feel “no good at all”;
• 70% feel social media is negatively impacting their mental health.

These findings reflect similar studies across the globe, which show a marked increase in anxiety disorders, depression, and related issues among teenage girls.

According to the Centres for Disease Control (CDC) in the US, the percentage of teenage girls reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness rose from 36% in 2011 to 57% in 2021.

A 2023 UNICEF report highlighted that adolescent girls globally report higher levels of psychological distress than boys, with anxiety, self-harm, and body image issues dominating.

Complex issues lie behind these statistics, the most obvious being the rise of social media and the subsequent social-comparison trap.

American sociologist Jonathan Haidt suggests that girls, more than boys, engage in social media in ways that increase their emotional vulnerability. According to a 2019 Lancet study, more frequent use of social media was linked to worse mental health outcomes in girls than in boys. Girls are more likely to internalise appearance-based comparisons, cyberbullying, and social exclusion.

The curated perfection of Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat creates a toxic comparison loop. Adolescent girls are at a developmentally sensitive stage where peer approval, appearance, and belonging matter deeply. Seeing idealised versions of others’ lives and bodies can erode self-esteem and increase anxiety.

One 14-year-old girl interviewed as part of the Shona Project study described the challenges of social comparison well when she said: “My life revolves around school and tech, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. Apps like TikTok have made it so hard to be a woman: You can never look good enough or say the right thing or speak the right way.”

Study expectations

Social media pressures are not the only factors causing young girls to struggle; academic and societal issues are also involved. Girls often feel intense pressure to perform well academically, participate in extracurricular activities, and meet high expectations from parents, teachers, and themselves.

A 2020 study published in Developmental Psychology found that girls were more likely to internalise stress related to school performance than boys, which can lead to increased anxiety. While there is an argument to be made that school systems are more suited to girls than to boys, the flip side is the increased expectations placed on girls to perform academically. I have worked with teenagers for more han 25 years, and, every year, the ‘acceptable’ level of academic achievement seems to get higher.

The recent messaging about increasing the number of girls in STEM subjects and careers, which males typically dominate, is commendable, but does it add more pressure on teenage girls to excel?

Young girls receive mixed messages. They are told to be confident, but not arrogant; ambitious but also likeable; thin, but not obsessed with their bodies. Undoubtedly, this ongoing tightrope walk contributes to their anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional exhaustion.

Hormonal changes play a role, too. Puberty hits girls earlier than boys, and this brings with it not just physical changes, but a host of emotional and neurological shifts.

The adolescent brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and emotion regulation, continues to develop and remains highly vulnerable to environmental stressors. Developing good decision-making skills in a world of information overload and constant comparison is bound to be challenging.

Meanwhile, the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for our responses to fear and emotion, becomes hyperactive during adolescence. As girls tend to mature earlier than boys, they feel the brunt of these changes sooner.

Pandemic isolation

While anxiety and depression were already rising before covid, the pandemic acted as an accelerant. Lockdowns, school closures, and social isolation disrupted support systems, adding uncertainty. The impact was all the more significant for teenage girls, who rely on peer interaction and structured environments.

A 2022 survey by the American Psychological Association found that adolescent girls were among the hardest-hit demographically, reporting the highest levels of pandemic-related emotional stress.

But there’s good news: Parents can play a decisive role in protecting and nurturing their daughters’ mental health, just as they can their sons’.

Girls need to know that their feelings are valid and important, no matter how irrational they may seem. As parents, we need to create an open-door policy where emotional expression is welcome, not judged or minimised. Instead of rushing to offer solutions, try listening with empathy.

American psychologist and bestselling author Mel Robbins says one of the most critical interventions when conversing with a teenager is to preface what you say with the sentence, ‘Are you looking for my advice or do you just want me to listen and support you?’ This simple intervention can go a long way toward a more productive and helpful conversation.

Dr Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, emphasises that teen girls need a “secure emotional base”.

Just being present and consistent gives them a sense of stability in a chaotic world.

Help your daughter understand that anxiety, or worry, is a natural human emotion designed to protect us, and is not a flaw or weakness. Teach her the difference between everyday stress and chronic anxiety. Normalising emotional responses helps young girls to realise that maybe they are not the problem, but the situation is. If a girl is working hard to maintain a high academic standard, attending training multiple times a week to keep her place in the county camogie squad, and struggling to find time to maintain her friendships, remind her that she is not finding it difficult to keep up with the demands because she is a poor time manager, but because the expectations being placed on her are unrealistic.

While mood swings and withdrawal are part of adolescence, persistent changes in behaviour may indicate something more profound. Watch for ongoing sleep problems, a sudden drop in academic performance, avoidance of social activities or changes in eating habits, as these symptoms can indicate that she may be struggling with an emerging mental health condition and needs support.

While many suggest a total ban on social media, in my experience, this rarely works in isolation and can encourage secretive use. The global social media crisis requires collective action, so attempting to resolve it in isolation is unlikely to be effective.

Parents should try to co-create boundaries around smartphone use, especially at night.

Encourage phone-free periods and discuss what she is watching online. Is she following uplifting accounts? Or ones that fuel body insecurity?

One of the most critical parental interventions is celebrating effort, not perfection. Young girls often feel they must ‘have it all together’. Reinforce the message that it’s OK to make mistakes and that a person’s worth is not tied to achievements. Praise her for effort, resilience, and kindness, not just grades, trophies, or appearances.

Be aware, also, of any inadvertent pressure you may be applying to her. While parents have little to no control over many aspects of the adolescent experience, parental pressure is one area where we can act.

If, despite these interventions, your daughter’s anxiety continues to interfere with her daily life, school attendance, friendships, or sleep, you may need to reach out to a professional for help.

A strong emotional connection with your daughter, grounded in trust and empathy, is one of the best buffers against anxiety. Collectively, we need to meet our young girls where they are, not where we want them to be, and offer the support they need, so their world becomes less threatening and pressurised.

Communicating with teenage daughters may be harder because they spend so much time online. But if we listen to the evidence of the Shona Project report, it seems they need our support now more than ever.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist