Colman Noctor: Interplay of politics and personality decides a teen’s popularity status

Likeable girls tend to be inclusive, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent. While they may not always be in the limelight, they usually have strong, meaningful friendships. Picture: iStock

‘But everyone else has one’, is a dubious argument most parents will have heard their teen make. But my daughter might have been right when she said this to make a case for a White Fox hoodie. Does wearing an expensive, in-fashion hoodie guarantee she will be popular, or does it require something more than that?

Popularity or lack thereof is a constant theme with the teenagers I speak with. They pay phenomenal attention to the dynamics of popularity, and while not always seeking it, almost all are aware of it and its importance to their social world. Many believe achieving popularity is the holy grail of survival: ‘If you are popular, everything will be alright.’

From these conversations, I have gleaned that they don’t need a formal system of governance to establish who sits where on the social ladder. They naturally create social hierarchies in schools, sports teams, and friend groups. 

However, how adolescents define and achieve popularity is far from straightforward. Beneath the surface lies a complex interplay of political dynamics and personality traits that can decide someone’s popularity status.

Psychologists and sociologists divide popularity into two main types — ‘status popularity’ and ‘likeable popularity’. Researchers Mitchell Prinstein and Antonius Cillessen distinguished these concepts in the early 2000s. Although often confused, they are fundamentally different and play out differently among teenage boys and girls.

Status popularity, sometimes called ‘perceived popularity’, refers to visibility, influence, and dominance in a peer group. Status-popular teens are often the trendsetters everyone knows and talks about, either with admiration or envy. 

They might be feared, revered, or both. Think of the typical ‘queen bee’ or the GAA county player archetype. They are usually at the centre of attention, and due to their status, others tend to follow their lead, whether out of respect or social obligation. However, there is often a criterion of coolness or usefulness you must possess to be included in their network or circle.

By contrast, likeable popularity refers to being genuinely well-liked. These teens are warm, friendly, trustworthy, outgoing, and easy to get along with. People enjoy spending time with them not because they have social power but because they make others feel good. 

Unlike status popularity, likeable popularity is based on personal connection rather than dominance or visibility. However, being outgoing is essential here; many young people can be likeable, but find it difficult to convey this due to shyness.

Being admired but feared

According to Dr Amanda Rose, professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri, a person can be widely admired and feared (status popular) yet disliked personally. Conversely, a likeable teen might have close, loyal friends but lack broad social influence.

Rose believes girls’ journeys to popularity often revolve around appearance, fashion sense, perceived maturity, social savvy, and the ability to navigate complicated interpersonal dynamics.

Studies by Nesi and Prinstein (2015) suggest these girls typically dominate social media, host the best parties, and are seen with the ‘right’ group of friends. 

They’re often skilled at controlling group dynamics, and in many cases, they enforce their status through manipulative means such as subtle forms of exclusion or rumour-spreading.

Given the devastating impact of orchestrated exclusion that can occur in teenage peer groups today, this is something teachers, parents, and coaches need to address. 

The experience of being excluded can have far-reaching effects, and it is one of the most common forms of bullying, which we have struggled to get a handle on or address. 

We need to tackle this problem from the point of the ‘excluder’ rather than simply supporting the ‘excluded’. Understanding what influences teenage status and power may give adults an
insight into managing it.

Interestingly, status-popular girls are more likely to be admired and disliked. Other girls might want to be them while fearing or resenting their power. Boys may find them attractive, reinforcing their social status, but that doesn’t always translate to genuine friendship or respect among peers. 

That said, I have met many young girls who yearn for the approval of the ‘status popular’ girls, yet despite their best efforts, fall short of being included in the desired grouping.

Likeable girls, by contrast, tend to be inclusive, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent. They are often the peacemakers in conflicts and are trusted by peers. While they may not always be in the limelight, they usually have strong, meaningful friendships. 

Their popularity is rooted in kindness and reliability rather than intimidation or allure.

The path to popularity for teenage boys is typically different and can centre on athletic ability, humour, confidence, and sometimes fear or risk-taking behaviour.

Boys gain status and popularity most frequently through dominance in traditionally masculine arenas like sports, physical strength, leadership in group settings, or even rebellious behaviour. According to research by Philip Rodkin, professor of educational psychology at the University of Illinois, the captain of the football team and the charismatic class clown can fit this mould.

Unlike girls, boys are less likely to engage in manipulative strategies like exclusion but are more likely to assert their status through overt displays of power or charisma. 

They often command attention through physical presence, and their popularity is reinforced by admiration from male and female peers. However, status-popular boys may also be polarising figures like their female counterparts. They can be respected but not necessarily liked.

The likeable boys are often funny, kind, and easy-going. They might not always be leaders, but they are rarely in conflict. These boys may be popular across different groups, bridging social divides with their laid-back and approachable nature. Again, they require some degree of confidence and an outgoing persona to feature on the social radar of others.

Like any bell curve distribution, most young people will not fall into either of these popularity categories and are more likely to become followers, supporters, avoiders, or victims of those who score high in popularity. 

High-status teenagers hold influential positions in the teenage social world, and many others will spend their time trying to garner their favour or avoid their negative attention. In an ideal world, we would tell teens to ‘be themselves’ and ‘not be bothered’ by these dynamics, but ask any teenager, and they will explain that this is easier said than done.

Digital platform popularity

The digital age has made teenage popularity more complex. Platforms like Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok are arenas for displaying status, especially among girls.

The number of followers, likes, and comments can be interpreted as social currency, often amplifying status popularity while diminishing the importance of likeability.

These platforms allow teenagers to compare popularity through the number of followers and provide endless avenues for exclusion and bullying of others.

Social media seems less critical for boys but can still be a platform for showcasing humour, physical prowess, or adventurous behaviour. Viral videos or meme-worthy content can catapult someone into status popularity almost overnight. However, the ephemeral nature of online fame means that digital status can be even more volatile and anxiety-inducing.

While girls and boys engage in status games, the rules often differ, and the consequences can vary. Girls tend to experience more emotional stress related to social dynamics, possibly due to the emphasis on relationships and emotional intelligence in female peer groups. 

Boys may feel pressure to conform to ideals of toughness and competitiveness, which can lead to risk-taking or suppressing their emotions. As American social psychologist Jonathan Haidt describes it, boys seek agency (power), and girls seek communion (connection).

These gendered expectations shape how teens pursue and maintain their social standing and influence how others treat them. 

A status-popular girl may be seen as a manipulative ‘mean girl’, while a status-popular boy might be praised as a confident leader. 

Similarly, likeable girls might be appreciated for their empathy, while likeable boys may be undervalued if they don’t exhibit stereotypical masculine traits.

Long-term impact

But what is the long-term impact of status and popularity in school? Does it extend into adulthood?

Studies have shown that the status popularity qualities that generate social currency in adolescence don’t always persist into adulthood.

Teens who are well-liked by their peers are more likely to develop strong social skills, emotional resilience, and healthier relationships in adulthood, where collaboration and empathy are more valued than dominance.

Understanding these dynamics is essential for teens, parents, educators, and mentors.

Schools can help reduce harmful status-based power by fostering environments that reward cooperation, kindness, and emotional intelligence. Parents can also model healthy social behaviour and open discussions about how their children use their popularity for good instead of for power and influence.

It is critical to remind teens that popularity, in its most authentic and most valuable form, comes from being someone others genuinely enjoy being around, not someone they feel compelled to follow.

Popularity in teenage groups is a powerful force, shaping identity, behaviour, and emotional health. But while it can be socially advantageous to some, it can also be deeply upsetting and cruel to others.

Suppose you have a child who is ‘status popular’. If you managed to steer them towards a more empathetic use of that power, it might be the most critical parenting intervention you ever make, not just for your child but for the others who might be spared from being victims of their exclusion.

I remain hopeful that despite living in a world that is becoming more obsessed with image, power, and status, likeability remains the quiet power that never goes out of style.

However, I still bought my daughter the White Fox hoodie, just in case.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist