Dr Joanna Fortune: My teenager barely says a word to me — is it just a phase?

Some parents feel they have to compete for their teen’s time and attention or that they are on the outside looking in

Tue, 20 Feb, 2024 - 00:45

Child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune

My 15-year-old daughter barely says a word to me.  She breezes in from school and goes straight to her room. If I ask how her day went, she'll say 'fine' and nothing more. I've checked with her school and was told there are no issues in class and that she gets on well with her peers. Is this just a phase?

Part of the task of adolescence is to pull away from their parents, to separate and establish themselves as independent people. This dynamic is healthy and normal. However, how teenagers go about this can be very challenging for parents.

Teenagers often become more private and secretive. They also can seek more independent social interaction and have less time for their parents and home life.

Some parents feel they have to compete for their teen’s time and attention or that they are on the outside looking in.

Joanna Fortune, child psychotherapist and author. Picture: Moya Nolan

It is expected to miss a previous closeness you may have experienced with your child when they shared much more about their day and life with you.

I suggest you take a gentle approach with your daughter. Look for opportunities to spend time with her without the expectation she will tell you anything about her life. You could, for example, go to the cinema to watch a movie she likes without pressure to share personal information. On the journey home, you could chat about the film.

You could also share some personal experiences and things that did or did not work out as you hoped during the day or week. Express interest in her day or week — be curious. If she says 'fine', smile and say you’re happy to hear that and are always interested in her and her life.

Teenagers tend to retreat into their bedrooms. Rather than battle with them to come out and sit with you, which could turn spending time with you into a chore, let her go to her room and, after 20 minutes or so, knock on her door with a cup of tea and a snack, asking if she is tired after her day.

Joanna Fortune: "It is expected to miss a previous closeness you may have experienced with your child when they shared much more about their day and life with you"

Always make eye contact when talking to her, smile when she speaks, and offer her a hug each day. She may say no most of the time, but it’s crucial she knows you are still available to her when she wants and needs to avail of that hug with you.

Adolescence is a time when you 'do' more than 'say' because the goal is to maintain a connection with our teenagers.

Listen to this episode of my podcast where I detail the five key developmental adjustments during adolescence: exa.mn/15-mins-teens