Colman Noctor: Mind the generation gap — teenagers need it 

"While they may no longer disagree about music, fashion, or political beliefs, the source of contention between parents and teens seems to have moved to technology, particularly smartphones and gaming consoles."

Dr Colman Noctor: Rebelling against your parents is a natural process of asserting independence and forming your own values

“Children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise and they no longer rise when elders enter the room”.   

You could be forgiven for believing this quote was an observation of recent changes in adolescent behaviour, but it's from the philosopher Socrates, who lived around 400 BC. It is safe to say that the conflict between the generations is not a new phenomenon.  

The generation gap usually refers to the differences in perspectives, attitudes, and values between age groups, often leading to a lack of understanding, conflict or communication issues. It commonly occurs between parents and their children due to their differing life experiences, evolving cultural shifts and societal norms.  

I recently had a personal experience of the generation gap. My 13-year-old and I were on a long car drive, and I decided to put my Spotify playlist for the journey. I was struck by how harmonious the trip was as each song played led to no objection from my adolescent passenger. On the contrary, there were several occasions where he interjected, saying, ‘I love this song’, endorsing my musical taste.  The playlist had little to do with my music interests of the past — 90s grunge and Queen — most of it was made up of contemporary chart music I enjoy listening to.  

Our convivial journey bared little comparison to my experience of travelling in a car with my father as a teenager. I remember rolling my eyes and letting out loud sighs as we were subjected to a Perry Como or Richard Clayderman cassette on our car journeys. And if my sisters or I reached for the dial to tune into a radio station that played chart music, it was quickly muted or changed back to lush romantic music.

Comparing past and present car journeys made me think about whether the generation gap is narrowing and, if so, whether this is a good or bad thing.

Young people need something to rebel against

 According to British research conducted by McCarthy Stone in 2021, the pandemic saw a significant narrowing of the generation gap with different generations spending more time together allowing for better communication, consensus, and less differentiation in their worldviews.  However, differences of opinion and contrasting belief systems provide topics for adolescents to challenge, seek autonomy, and define their identity. Rebelling against your parents is a natural process of asserting independence and forming your own values. But to do this, young people need something to rebel against.

Seeing your parents as ‘out-of-touch dinosaurs’ is a normal part of teenage development. It fuels and justifies their drive for independence and self-identity. Pushing back against their parents allows them to explore boundaries, challenge authority, and establish their values. For decades, we have witnessed teenagers using music or fashion to establish their separateness from their parents. Whether it was rock ‘n' roll and miniskirts in the 60s or punk music and Mohican hairstyles in the 1980s, there was no shortage of avenues for teenagers to ‘stick it to the man’ and their parents.

However, what are the consequences of limiting teenage expression if the traditional generation gap is not there?

 Focusing on staying active for longer and being open to contemporary trends contribute to parents often maintaining a more youthful lifestyle as they age. Perhaps our recent focus on anti-ageing may also be contributing to this change.

The narrowing generational gap is evidenced by parents’ attitude to fashion, where dads in their 40s can be observed wearing the same skinny jeans and trainers as their 15-year-old sons or mums encouraging their eight-year-old sons to get a mullet hairstyle. There is also evidence of more aligned political views between parents and children around topics such as sustainability, veganism and the climate, which perhaps has left adolescents with very little to argue about with their parents.

While the generational gap may be narrowing, it has not entirely disappeared

 Some will subscribe to the theory that the narrowing generation gap is a good thing and suggest that parents and children are working on their communication, which is critical to bridging this divide and fostering mutual understanding. But in removing a normative barrier for our children to rail against us and the world, are we denying them the opportunities they need to individuate?

While the generational gap may be narrowing, it has not entirely disappeared. Adolescents are not without their gripes in terms of their parents' beliefs. While they may no longer disagree about music, fashion, or political beliefs, the source of contention seems to have moved to technology, particularly smartphones and gaming consoles. Without question, technology usage is the most common topic parents and teenagers have conflicting views on. Despite most parents being avid users of technology and smartphones, many do not want to see their teenage children on them constantly. 

The contemporary adolescent is a true digital native who has never known a pre-internet or smartphone world, and many fail to see what their parents are concerned about. They tend to view their parents’ fears of over-usage as histrionic and ridiculous. Many teenagers believe their dependency on smartphones is a healthy way to live and their parents’ concerns about the need for face-to-face contact is a hysterical overreaction and a measure of how out of touch they are.   

With the narrowing of the generational gap, there is a greater temptation to become the ‘cool parent’, which is not dissimilar from permissive parenting. Some parents may deem being a friend to their child as a progressive feature of the narrowing generation gap. However, research on permissive parenting suggests it is not the optimal approach. A large study by Dalimonte-Merckling and colleagues in 2020 found that while permissive parenting might promise a close relationship with your child, the downsides can include lower levels of achievement, poor decision-making, and an inability to manage their time and habits.

 Being the cool, permissive parent promotes giving your child what they want instead of what they need.

 With a desire to keep the generational gap narrow and stay young and connected to their teens, parents may become more permissive about, for example, their child’s tech habits. However, by doing so, they could inadvertently undermine the child’s engagement with the physical world and enable them to be vulnerable to the risks of the cyberworld.

Having to be the unpopular or dinosaur parent when it comes to technology might be a sobering reminder of the generational gap that exists and can make us feel quite old and out of touch, but remember when you are arguing with your teenager, adolescent angst has a purpose. It allows them to let off steam in a safe environment and provides the dynamic for the necessary separation from their parents and consolidation of their own beliefs.

Nothing reminds us more about the generation gap than when we hear our parent's voices coming through us when we are engaging with our children. But by overzealously trying not to repeat the actions of our own parents and trying to stay young and connected, we might inadvertently veer into permissive parenting when a more authoritative parenting approach is more effective. Adolescents need a parent, not another friend.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychologist