Learning Points: Managing your child's expectation will make for a happier Christmas

"We must ask ourselves, whose needs am I meeting when I give my child everything they want? Does it make them happy?"

Now that the dust is beginning to settle on the skeletons and ghouls that terrified us last month, all talk moves towards the big C. While I normally try to avoid all utterances of Christmas until December, this year is unlike any other we have experienced. I have received many emails from parents asking for advice on how to manage their child’s expectations this Christmas. 

There is no doubt about it; we have had to manage so much, as parents, this year. Keeping the family ticking over while we home schooled our children and worked from home was no easy feat. The pressures have been many and now Christmas is rearing its demanding head. Even Santa has found it hard to figure out the logistics of delivering so much to so many during a global health crisis. With everything we have been through as a parents, it is important that we take a breath and give ourselves a break and importantly, cut our measure according to our cloth.

It can be overwhelming listening to our children excitedly recite a litany of desires that would make Charles Foster Kane blush. But remember, the child who gets everything enjoys and appreciates nothing. 

I often think of the poem Advent by Patrick Kavanagh, this time of year. There is a wonderful line in the poem,

‘Through a chink too wide there comes in no wonder’. 

It is important for parents to remember this. We can often get caught wanting to give our children everything because we may not have received much as children growing up in the 70’s or 80’s. 

Paradoxically though, by giving into our children’s every desire and whim we manifest into their lives an inability to appreciate what they have because they have grown to expect everything. When this happens, they lack gratitude. And lacking gratitude is detrimental to their future happiness. 

We must ask ourselves, whose needs am I meeting when I give my child everything they want? Does it make them happy? We all know this scene; you’re in the shop and your child wants a magazine, you know you shouldn’t give in because they just got something the previous day but they are crying and pleading with you, against your better judgment, you give in. 

Ten minutes later you find the magazine discarded on the kitchen floor. You’re annoyed with yourself because you know what that magazine is saying to you.

The impulse to give children everything comes from a good place. We want our children to have what we didn’t have. We want them to be happy. But does it make them happy? This Christmas, perhaps they can’t get everything they want. 

The financial burden placed on families over the last 8 months has been huge. Families have really struggled; I see this every day in my clinic. So, managing your child’s expectations this month is vitally important if you are all going to have a happy and healthy Christmas. 

This time of year can seem claustrophobic for parents. The demands from their children, financial worries, lack of sunlight and all the talk of being the happiest time of the year can place incredible strain on the psyche of even the strongest among us not to mention navigating a global health crisis. We must always keep in view the fact that Christmas will come and Christmas will go. And maybe our children do not need as much as they want. And just maybe they will be happy with what they get, if managed correctly. 

Children are always susceptible to advertising. It drives them crazy this time of year because of the number of adverts on television. Try to prevent your children from watching so many programmes with ads.

Parents often ask me; how do you develop a child’s sense of gratitude? The answer is always the same, model gratitude for your children. Start teaching them how to appreciate the small things in life. If they start to expect only big things they will never see the wonder and newness in every little thing. 

Gratitude is such an important gift to give your child. When you develop it early in their life the teenage years will be much easier to manage because they won’t only expect the big gifts or the latest phone. They will actually appreciate the small everyday things and what a gift that is to give your child. This year, use the pandemic as an excuse to reconnect with more traditional Christmas activities like writing cards and playing board games. 

How many gifts do you remember from your own childhood? Very few, I’d imagine. Remember that as you put incredible pressure on yourself to buy the latest gadget or expensive toy. This Christmas will be a little different but giving the gift of gratitude and love will sustain for a lifetime.