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After booking into Fine Gael’s Tax Budget Hotel, I went to the bar for a drink. “That will be €1 please!” said the blue-shirt barman.
Somewhat taken aback, I replied, “That’s very cheap!” and handed over the money. “Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition,” said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday, from 6pm until 8pm. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland.”
“That is remarkable value,” I commented. “I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be €3 glass tax, please,” said the barman. I scowled, but paid up. I took my drink and walked towards a seat.
“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “They’ll be an extra €2 seating tax. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you €1 seating tax. I think you may be too big for the seat, sir. Can I ask you to sit in this frame, please,” added the barman.
I attempted to sit down, but the frame was too small. I complained: “Nobody would fit in that little frame.”
“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame, you’ll have to pay an extra charge of €4 for your seating tax, sir.”
I swore to myself, but paid up.
“I see that you have brought your laptop with you,” added the barman. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked, either, that will be another €3 computer tax.”
I was so annoyed that I walked back to the bar, slammed my drink on the counter, and yelled: “This is ridiculous! I want to speak to the manager.”
“Ah, I see you want to use the counter,” said the barman. “That will be €2 counter tax, please!” My face was red with rage. “What sort of hotel is this? I insist on speaking to a manager!”
The barman said: “Here is his email address, or, if you wish, you can contact him between 9am and 9.10am, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking tax charge of only 10 cent per second.”
“I will never use this bar again,” I said. “OK, sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for €1,” said the barman.
My assessment of The Fine Gael Tax Hotel is unprintable.
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