MY grandmother, who died many years ago, was fond of saying that she had lived too long.
She used to say this while in what we today would regard as middle age — her 60s — and especially when tampon adverts started appearing on the telly.
Images of carefree women in tight, white trousers rollerblading down mountainsides, as men in white coats poured blue liquid onto sanitary wear in laboratories, used to make her apoplectic. “I have lived too long!” she would exclaim.
Although still in my 40s, I experienced a similar sensation when I read about a new device that allows you to FaceTime your vagina. You’ve heard of sex on a stick — now there is sex on a selfie stick.
No, wait, come back. I’ll explain.
We are now all so narcissistic that a stick had to be invented so we could more easily take photos of ourselves, because our actual arms weren’t long enough. But it turns out a stick to take pictures of ourselves on the outside is not enough. No.
The Vapours prophesied it years ago in their hit song, ‘Turning Japanese’: “I want a doctor to take your picture /So I can look at you from inside as well”.
Now, thanks to the Svakom Gaga, yours for just €166, there’s no doctor required. Instead, you can use an adult device equipped with a camera and LED lights to upload yourself from the inside out.
Always had a burning desire to see what carnal ecstasy looks like, from a gynaecological perspective? Your wish has been granted. Want to share such footage with the online world, or perhaps just one carefully selected individual who answers to the name of ‘darling’? Here’s your chance. Just be careful with that share button. On your computer, I mean.
Last year, a device came on the market that enables men to have sex with their iPad. This year, a USB, rechargeable, vibrating endoscope arrives for the ladies. Who says romance is dead?
But let us not be too narrow-minded. Such devices evolve all the time, from gargantuan steam-powered Victorian contraptions to the Gaga, which allows you to be on the phone with your vagina. We first heard of depressed vaginas in Sex & The City — this latest device means we could, among other things, reasonably offer telephone counselling.
Perhaps, on reflection, once the initial gynaecological impact has worn off, our reaction might be one of wonder and awe at where our narcissism is taking us. We are limited only by the body’s apertures. Forget boring breast-feeding selfies — brelfies, apparently — here comes the vagfie.
Let us not stop there. What would be most compelling of all would be the brainfie — a selfie stick that lets us, via the earhole, take a picture of our brains.
What would we see? Tumbleweeds of narcissism blowing across a vast emptiness all the way to the other earhole? Probably. Upload, share, like!
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