SUZANNE HARRINGTON: There's still a lot to be done before Christmas

Suzanne Harrington shares her Christmas to do list

TO DO LIST: Write to do list. On a page, with a biro, not in your head. Get Omega oils to help with memory. Post Christmas cards. Remember to write them first, and put the right card in the right envelope. Remember last time when you did it too quickly. Awkward. Don’t bother sending Christmas cards to anyone under 30, they won’t know what they are. #festive.

Replace all the Christmas stocking chocolate again, and this time put a in better hiding place from self. Look up nut roast recipe and lose the will to live. Source vegan turkey. There must be one somewhere. Debate making own vegan mince pies. Remember everyone hates mince pies, and feel relieved.

Stockpile parsnips and cranberries and wonder what the hell you’re going to do with them.

Work out visiting agenda. Put trickiest relatives first, when you can still fake festive cheer before nerves and social skills haven’t been completely shredded by stress of interaction of arsey teens with elderly relatives.

Give teenagers pep talk about swearing, phones and eye contact. Remind them not to spend remaining Christmas funds on KFC and to bloody well think of others for a change. Remind self not to scream at teenagers about selfishness.

Clarify there will be other Christmas lunch choices for them other than vegan turkey, but it won’t be effing KFC. Remind them that you are an alcoholic, and if they wind you up too much you will hit the bottle and drink their college fund. There is no college fund, but they don’t know that. Make present checklist. Tick off present list from elephant-sized heap of items hidden under large sheet in corner of bedroom. Realise too late you have forgotten to do wish lists for hardest-to-buy-for recipients. Buy random default items of little meaning or value, and wrap prettily. Order horrifically inappropriate war game for teenagers, and expensive complicated digital items you don’t understand.

Go to the shops for all the stuff you’ve forgotten. Remember to stop for a festive hot drink. ’Tis the season when coffee shops do really weird shit with their coffee, so be careful not to end up with a brandy butter brussels sprout soya latte. Have espresso instead, to make you shop faster and get out of this hellish swamp of enforced merriment and obligatory Santa hats. Remember to smile at people.

Get Christmas stuff out of attic. Check everyone’s ghastly Christmas jumper still fits, and mice haven’t been nesting in them. Check lights. Buy more lights. Worry about polar bears drowning because of all the unnecessary electricity your Christmas lights are using. Distract yourself with Facebook. Cry over Aleppo. Make a donation to the White Helmets and try to focus on finding that gingerbread recipe.

Make enough gingerbread to give a small town diabetes, as a kind of displacement activity.Put David Bowie on and cry into gingerbread.

Brace for 2017.

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