Modern life poses many perplexing questions. Like where is the start of the Sellotape, and why beige shoes are called nude while not all nude people are beige, writes Suzanne Harrington
But surely the most mystifying is like that tree falling in the forest — if nobody on social media knows you are in a relationship, does your relationship really exist?
I only ask because Facebook wants to know if I am single, in a relationship, engaged, married, in a civil partnership, in a domestic partnership, in an open relationship, separated, divorced, widowed, or it’s complicated. Are they serious?
I don’t even tell Facebook my name, never mind what I get up to when I’ve finished uploading cat memes (Kidding. I only upload dogs).
Single, with a little heart icon — unless you’re on Tinder, why do that? What does it mean?
Single — because I’m jubilant after giving the last nightmare their P45, even though I’ve unfriended them so they can’t witness my triumph?
Single — because I’m home alone crying at the Bake Off with a family tray of tiramisu and a teaspoon, please love me?
Single — because I am a massive shagger and all I want is hook ups, until I die alone with nothing but cat memes for company, but I’m not thinking about that right now? Whatever. Take your singleness to the appropriate online area, people. The rest of us don’t care. But you know what’s worse than the coy/sad/boastful/comehither status of social media single?
The relationship blurters. The ones who just can’t keep it to, or between, themselves. The ones who make us reach for the airline discomfort bag.
Obviously we are all bathed in delicious schadenfreude when acquaintances of whom we are not entirely fond, yet ‘friends’ online, have epic falling-outs in the public domain. This is just plain funny, providing they are not likely to commit arson. Less entertaining are the pass-agg mystery statements, “some people are just so selfish”, followed by snippets of fridge magnet philosophy and watered- down Nietzsche (“everything happens for a reason” — sad face — “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” — arm muscle emoji).
Below these nuggets of wisdom appear inevitable u-ok-huns plus heart emoji, until you wonder whatever happened to picking up the phone and asking someone in private if they need a stiff gin and a hug, rather than digitally role-playing their dramas in public.
Worst of all this online performance dating are those #SoBlessed to be #SoInLove. Who write long gooey messages to their person of choice — “U make me so happy babe. #Gratitude #Love #Together Forever”. Stop. Nobody cares! Like the tree that falls in the forest, the correlation is that the more relentless your digital relationship bragging, the sooner you will be updating your relationship status to single. U ok hun?
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