SHAUN CONNOLLY: Not everyone can be as perfect as Mr 93% himself

NORTH KOREA may not really have detonated an H-Bomb, but Enda Kenny has certainly dropped the Lie Bomb — and with little aplomb, writes Shaun Connolly

Ever the modest ex-teacher, Mr Kenny marked his own forray into the fields of surrealist fantasy fiction titled “What I Did When I Was Taoiseach”, and awarded himself a remarkable 93% success rate.

Yes, Enda used your money to produce a dodgy dossier on his time in power telling you how lucky you are to have him as your leader because he has achieved almost 100% of the things he promised you.

Even Kim Jong-un’s Workers Party only awarded itself 87.5% of the seats in North Korea’s Supreme People’s Assembly at the last “elections” in 2014 for fear anything higher might look a bit suspicious and ridiculous — though at just 99.97%, the regime must have been disappointed with the low turn-out.

But our own Enda Kimmy has no such need for modesty because he is truly the political messiah of our age.

And Micheál Martin confirmed his exalted status by attempting to land a Judas kiss on him — well, unveiling a lovely big picture of a smiling Enda.

Having learned absolutely nothing from the nodding dogs of Dermot Ahern and Noel Dempsey emphatically denying they knew anything about the Troika arriving just as Fianna Fáil surrendered Irish economic sovereignty to foreign occupiers, Micheál again took the public for idiots.

How else can you explain him denying that FF was engaged in personal attack ads at the exact moment he was revealing a giant personal attack ad?

To make things even more perverse, the personal attack ad in question was completely justifiable as it highlighted Mr Kenny’s blatant backtracking on a decade-old pledge to end what he himself called “the scandal” of patients on trolleys.

While we gratefully marvel at the 93% success rate of this magnificent administration, it is only a matter of weeks since a 91-year-old man was left to languish on a trolley for 29 hours with some 500 other desperate souls in an example of routine Government inhumanity that one doctor at Tallagh Hospital described as an “act of torture”.

Enda failed miserably to deliver his trolley promise and has now abandoned the ambition completely as the crisis reaches record levels, so why not be open about attacking him for that gross failure? But, somehow, Enda seems stoppable as this election is not really about who will be Taoiseach, but rather, who will be leader of the opposition.

Fine Gael will be well short of a majority, but easily the largest party, and, however many ballots it takes, and however short the term may last, Enda will cross the line in the Dáil vote to head the next government.

But who will oppose him?

In the scramble for relevance, Mr Martin, who so hates personalised attacks, turned on Gerry “Army Council? What Army Council?” Adams, stating: “Sinn Féin are a mafia organisation, they use a vow of omerta to operate. If you look at the child sex abuse scandals of Mairia Cahill and Paudie McGahon and the subsequent denials you can see how these stories were covered up. Later they admitted using internal courts or whatever.”

Oh so sensitive Gerry got very upset by this, saying: “It’s offensive to me as an individual.”

So, though he denies membership (which 89% of voters believe to be a lie according to an RTÉ poll) Adams has no problem at all being associated with the Provisional IRA — a killing machine organisation that murdered Irish soldiers and gardaí, as well as some 1,800 other people, mainly civilians, many of them children, yet gets all touchy at being compared to a character out of The Sopranos?

Most curious.

Mr Adams noted with some amusement that Shane Ross and his Independent Alliance were “praying for him” after they insisted Sinn Féin would need a “Pauline conversion to democracy” before they would consider propping them up in coalition.

But would the IA ever be in that King-maker position anyway? Their lack of engagement with reality was on show at the launch of their election “charter” when more than half a dozen of them said they wanted to be in the next Cabinet.

And while it’s always nice to dream, their grandly named charter is really just a charter flight to the Bermuda Triangle of Irish politics as one by one, whichever IA TDs take their Dáil seats will disappear from any deal as ego and rampant localism rip the grouping apart.

And such vanity politics brings us to the Lucindanista Party, also known as Renua — a name which is meaningless in both Irish and English.

Ms Creighton sounded very shaky on the I Love Lucinda Party’s tax stance, but then when you are a one-woman operation masquerading as a national movement it must be tricky to stay on top of all 15 government portfolios.

Not everyone can be as (almost) perfect as Mr 93% himself, and his Endaness was a teasing Taoiseach when he refused to reveal the election date, stating instead: “I have a date in my head.”

Some unkind people would no doubt muse there is plenty of empty space in that head for the date in question to get quite lonely there by itself, so why not end this phoney poll farce and blow the whistle?

In a rare moment of self-awareness, Mr Kenny told the Dáil: “I am not God, and I cannot predict the extent of rainfall. That is one of the reasons we have invested in far more sophisticated long-term weather forecasting.”

Leaving aside the fact that sounds like a major reason we have invested in such storm warning equipment is because Enda suddenly realised he could not predict the weather after all, it is nice to know that, despite his almost immaculate record in office, he, unlike Kim Jong-un, does not actually believe he is a living deity.

The only problem for Fine Gael election chiefs now is where to actually hide Mr Kenny for the duration of the election campaign so he doesn’t royally muck everything up.

Kim Jong-un is said to believe a complex network of defensive shelter tunnels in north eastern North Korea is so deep he could survive a US nuclear counter attack there.

Sounds like the ideal spot to park the Taoiseach until the votes are safely counted.

Ticket to Pyongyang, Enda?

Best to just check that Leo and Simon haven’t “mistakenly” booked it one way before you board though.


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