SO, the Taoiseach believes voters will not want to be “bribed” into backing the Yes campaign in the EU fiscal compact referendum — sorry, Enda, but have you ever met the Irish people?
We want as much dosh as you can squeeze out of Brussels and we want it now — then, and only then, can you have your little fiscal compact thingy.
But, not to worry, happy days will soon be here again, because Mr Kenny and Co are engaged in “technical talks” with our EU masters to cut the country’s unpayable debt burden — well, they say they are anyway.
Indeed, these ‘negotiations’ with Brussels seem as suspicious as then US president Dwight D Eisenhower’s three secret meetings with alien life forms in New Mexico in the 1950s.
We learned about the extraterrestrial shenanigans from www.dailymail.co.uk, which has become the world’s biggest English-language website thanks to its bizarre mix of right-wing invective, obsession with new-age mysticism, and 5,000-word articles on the texture of Cheryl Cole’s hair.
Of the many unusual revelations to emerge from this site recently, my favourite headline has to be ‘Gandhi Was Bisexual And Had Two-Year Affair With German-Jewish Body Builder, Book Claims’.
What attention to detail in that snippet: “Ooooh, the liberator of the Indian sub-continent didn’t just get jiggy with any old bloke, but a kosher German one who liked to hang out at the gym. Fancy.”
Now, I’m glad Gandhi might have had a bit of fun along the way — after all, it can’t have been a barrel of laughs over-turning centuries of colonial subjugation while wearing nothing but a loin cloth — but, I think, we could probably file that story, and the Eisenhower one, under the headline: ‘I Can Say Anything I Like About Dead People, Book Claims.’
Apparently, Eisenhower met with cosmic life forms, who were Nordic in appearance, at the Holloman air force base in Feb 1954, while the public was told he was on holiday in Palm Springs, according to former US government consultant, Timothy Good.
Eisenhower and the FBI organised the pow-wow with space creatures by sending out “telepathic messages”, and the three meetings had “many witnesses” and ended with the president signing a treaty with a race called the Alien Greys, according to Good, who is an ex-Congress and Pentagon consultant.
Now, I don’t want to express disbelief in this version of events, but, surely, if the White House was in possession of telepathic powers of communications, then why did it need to meet with the aliens, why did they only meet three times, and how come none of the “many witnesses” have ever come forward during the past 58 years?
Similar questions hang over the Irish Government’s supposed negotiations with Brussels on our crippling debt burden — specifically, the obscene payments to Anglo Irish that the treacherous, and irredeemably stupid, Fianna Fáil-Green (mal)administration saddled the country with, which is due to cost us some €47bn over the next 20 years.
It’s the usual, confused mess of messages from the Government on the issue, with Enda and Co insisting in public there is no linkage between the Anglo debts and the referendum, while ministers tell you in private that the two matters cannot be separated.
Joan Burton is the only minister to treat us with any intelligence and state the blindingly obvious — that Brussels needs to put a little sugar in our begging bowl if they want to keep us sweet.
The intervention also confirms Ms Burton — who, like all ambitious and frustrated deputies planning to mount a leadership challenge, denies that she is planning to mount a leadership challenge, or is indeed frustrated or ambitious — as unofficial leader of the opposition within Cabinet.
UCD economist Karl Whelan expressed concern the Government was being deliberately vague on the alleged talks with Brussels in the hope of boring people into losing interest in the matter, summing up Finance Minister Michael Noonan’s stance as: “Technical people are having technical discussions about technical things with technocrats.”
Now, if they got aliens, or a bisexual Gandhi, into the mix, obviously, we’d all become too over-excited to concentrate, but still Enda could at least give us a hint as to what’s going on.
But speaking of aliens, no one is quite clear what was in the treaty Eisenhower is supposed to have signed on our behalf with the race from space, other than it banned aliens from interfering in human affairs — apart from the little matter of giving them the right to abduct and experiment on people at will as long as the kidnap victims were left with no memory of what was done to them.
Conspiracy theorists may wish to ponder, at this point, on the fact that Enda has just signed a treaty on our behalf, regarding financial union across the Eurozone, which will allow Brussels to use us, along with Greeks and Portuguese, for experimentation — but unlike the alien abductees, we will have all-too-painful memories of what will be done to us in the name of austerity.
But then, some things are beyond irony, such as the report in The New Yorker magazine, which notes that the post-9/11 security crackdown in the US has seen a massive rise in the number of dogs needed by police and private-protection firms.
So great is the demand, that dogs are being imported from eastern Europe in great numbers — the very descendents of the aggressive patrol dogs bred specially to seal the borders against the American threat and to keep the people imprisoned behind the Iron Curtain.
And now the attack dogs of austerity will be unleashed to menace us into voting “the right way” in the referendum, which however rigged the wording is, the Government never wanted us to have — but Enda would do well to remember, if we are being forced down that road, that a bribe is much more appealing than a bite.
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