SEAN MONCRIEFF: Are you ready for Celtic Tiger 2.0 - in Barryroe?

IF there’s anyone with an ounce of gumption living in Munster they should already be organising the importation of crate-loads of Stetsons and cowboys boots.

The O’Reillys — God bless ’em — say they’ve found a viable oil field close to the parish of Barryroe in County Cork: and this time the nation should rise as one and make sure that the assorted whingers and doom-sayers and rabid lefties don’t interfere with the party.

Second chances don’t come along too often, but now one has been dropped, fresh and still flapping, into the empty bowls of the Irish nation. Because this find doesn’t just give us security of supply or billions in tax dollars, but a chance to create Celtic Tiger 2.0 — and this time we can get it right.

Why did the Celtic Tiger go wrong the last time? Even by typing those words I have to force my eyeballs not to roll back into my head. The honest answer is: who cares? During the last boom we (ie middle-class people) all partied. And we want to party some more. The last time we waited too long — that was the problem. And when we finally hit our stride all that Lehman Brothers nonsense happened. And we can hardly be blamed for that.

First things first: Barryroe has to get ready for the 21st century. According to one website, the parish rates 4.3 out of 5 for quality of life — mostly because it’s quiet and has a good community spirit and all that Waltons-style rubbish. Sod that: in preparation for the new age, the Government should immediately act to stimulate a building programme of vulgar ranch-style houses, lap-dancing clubs, Starbucks outlets and restaurants with French names which serve tiny cubes of pork for €200 each. If any bearded sandal-wearers travel down from Ranelagh to object, they should be immediately and ruthlessly cut down and their bones interred in the foundations of the massive statute of Tony O’Reilly which will be constructed in the centre of the new Barryroe High Street. He will be portrayed as a muscular and visionary creature, more Greek God than man, staring dreamily out to sea.

Meanwhile, in a radical re-design of our system of governance, Enda should also announce that to go along with the legislative, executive and judicial branches, one more will be added: the Entrepreneurial.

Headed up, naturally, by AJ himself, it will consist of a series of Business Elders, all of whom are Irish Squillionaires and who will travel to Dublin on a monthly basis from their tax havens to remind our elected politician that they have loads of money and know how to fix the country.

After all, running a company is the same as country, isn’t it? By even the most conservative estimates we should get a decade of four holidays and new car every year out of this. Until there’s another meltdown and we start calling for all these business types to be sent to jail.


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