COLM O'REGAN: There's something bugging me and it needs to fly

I swear they’re doing it just to spite me. They know it’ll drive me mad. One more insult. There is nothing more galling than two — no wait there’s another one — THREE FLIES at it hammer on tongs in the corner of the telly screen as you’re trying to catch up on episodes of a dark psychological Victorian thriller.

I thought first it was part of the director’s motif to show the decay of the criminal mind and society, but no, it was our motif. The decay is in our own house.

It’s personal now and I’ve started to lose my reason. Sometimes I forget to pull the net curtains and the neighbourhood is treated to the sight of me waving some sort of fly-killing weapon as the flies land deliberately on things I can’t flake like mugs or loved ones.

I don’t condemn flies. Like all creatures — except for humans — they play a necessary role in the eco-system. They are not trying to annoy us — or at least it didn’t start out that way. They are merely fulfilling their destiny — to eat organic matter. But the thing is I’ve already paid for the bins so I don’t need any more help, thanks.

There's something bugging me and it needs to fly

Flies don’t have teeth so they sort of vomit saliva onto their food to try and break it down. But I have two children to do that so there isn’t even the novelty factor. If I could be sure that the last thing the fly ate was ketchup or something similarly condiment-ary, then they could actually add a bit of taste. But it rarely is. It’s probably something that a pigeon turned its nose up to.

It’s not even all the flies. I have a certain respect for house flies. They look like they are busy, mobile, energetic and probably have a number of things on. It’s the fruit flies that get my goat or whatever else is in the leftovers

The fruit flies just hang around the food caddy and the fruit bowl. You just notice them when you approach and they reluctantly float up like teenagers asked to move from your gate.

At the height of my rage I’m even roaring at spiders, urging them to do their effing job. Is that unfair? Does anyone else feel that spiders could have been putting in a bit more hours this summer. What about this legendary animosity between them. The invitation from the spider to the fly into the parlour. We don’t know why the old lady swallowed the fly, but we damn well know why she swallowed the spider. There was a certain expectation there.

But it seems now like spiders are not interested. You’d think they’d be glad of the work. They are one of the few groups where the younger generation seem to turning their back on web skills. I know people will say that the modern obsession with dusting and cleaning has removed all the cobwebs. Well I can assure you I have taken every step to ensure that this is a good environment for spiders.

There have been changes this year though which have partially saved my sanity. Our back door now opens outwards. This has been a huge boon in the air-battle.

Flies display wilful ignorance of how to get out of the house. You could have a fly clinging to the window that has been opened and they are still pretending they’ve no idea what to do

I’m trying my best here Colm but all I see is glass. And I’m roaring at it: “Oh really with your legendary slow motion vision and multiple eyes, you somehow can’t glance half an inch to the left?”

But a door that opens out leaves them very little option. They are so far out into the air, even a fly wouldn’t be as brazen. But then in this weather windows and doors are open and the flies are back. I’m contemplating flypaper but I don’t want the place to look like 1987. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the fridge.


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