COLM O'REGAN: Here comes the year of Sepa - and Namarama

January

The first day of the follow-up to The Gathering; The ‘I Suppose Ye’ll Be Wanting To Get Back Now’ is a muted affair as the visitors fail to take a hint, reach for a biscuit and open up a conversation about whatever happened to the fella who used to play FortyCoats?

February

Sepa — the thing you know from all the ads which mentions Sepa — comes in. Everyone says it’s the first they’ve heard of it and panic.

March

In response to allegations of impropriety in Nama, the Government sets up Namarama, the largest investigative tribunal in the world. It will require up to 600,000 barristers in 40 countries but its findings will be kept secret..

April

The weather-forecasting Donegal postman Michael Gallagher forecasts a relatively average summer. No one reports on it. Then he says we’ll have a roaster and it’s all over the news. Amid signs of increasing tensions between long-range amateur weather forecasters and their official counterparts, Met Éireann’s Evelyn Cusack challenges him to a Forecast-Off live on telly. It is shown on TV3.

May

Standard & Poor’s finally upgrades Ireland to its rarely-used “I Don’t Like It But Your Teachers Say You’ve Been On Your Best Behaviour++” rating.

June

The World Cup is held in Brazil. There is surprise in Ireland as spectators don’t hold a minute’s silence as a sign of respect to the ‘Irish — the best fans in the world’.

July

The HSE announces they forgot to “carry the four” and “that was a decimal point not a comma”, and are forced to revisit their spending estimates.

August

There is annoyance in government circles as the man who claims he shot and ate wild pigeons to save money is put on the cover of Forbes as they vote us The Best Country In the World to Eat Pigeon.

September

The troika come back for a one-night-only concert featuring Bressie, Miriam O’Callaghan, Brian Kennedy, and Twink, at Dublin’s Convention Centre.

October

The sign language interpreter who gained infamy at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service publishes his long-awaited autobiography but the book-signings are chaotic.

November

A whistleblower has alleged huge impropriety in Namarama and we just give up.

December

The ESB workers deny their fifth threatened strike action of the year has been deliberately timed for maximum disruption and say it was pure coincidence that negotiations broke down just before St Patrick’s Day, the World Cup Final, and the All-Irelands.


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