I have a confession to make – I secretly quite enjoy the fresh beginning that a New Year promises. It’s the Catholic in me.
Christmas is usually taken up with trying to commit as many of the Deadly Sins as possible and New Year’s Day feels like stepping into the confessional box, waiting for a human man in a black robe to somehow magically dissolve all of your misdemeanours.
But let’s not get caught up in the semantics! I know that 2016 is going to be bring a brighter, better me; a me that will stop fantasising about throwing old people in front of buses because they’re walking too slowly.
In order to achieve this, I’ve decided to come up with a few resolutions for myself.
1. Make Max Irons and Hozier fall in love with me and then challenge them to a duel over who shall win my heart forever. FIGHT TO THE DEATH, HANDSOME MEN.
2. When friends tell me they’ve gotten engaged stop saying, “Eww, why?”
3. When friends tell me they’re pregnant stop gasping and saying, “What are you going to do?”
4. Stop freaking out random men on Twitter by telling them that I’m a 79-year-old phone sex worker named Bertha. No one finds this funny. (Except for me. I think it’s hilarious.)
5. Stop carrying my dog around in my handbag. I am not Paris Hilton circa 2005.
6. Stop signing off business emails with “Love you! LouBear xxxxx” It’s sending out the wrong message.
7. Stop reading out passages of my dream journal to people. “And you were there, but you weren’t really *you* you know? You were my grandmother, and then I killed you.”
8. Stop flirting with people that I don’t fancy. My 65-year-old Reiki Master should not think that he has a chance with me, and he really, really, does.
9. Stop sulking when people tell me they’re borrowed my book from the library or a friend. Yelling “It’s only €8, buy your own copy, you stingy fool” at them is a tad aggressive.
10. Stop getting into screaming matches with elderly women who steal my parking spaces. I mean it only happened once (OK, three times with three different but equally annoying octogenarians) but was winning an argument really worth making an old lady cry?
11. Stop forgetting to clear my search history when a friend asks to google something on your iPhone. It is just awkward all round otherwise and no one believes me when I say it’s just ‘research.’
12. Stop judging those who wear leggings as if they’re trousers. They’re people too. I mean, barely, but still…
13. Stop telling people who like the Strawberry and Coffee creams in the Roses tin that they’re ‘monsters who deserve to die.”
14. Stop pretending to be presenting my own cooking show while I’m preparing lunch. Saying “and here’s one I made earlier” to an invisible camera is weird.
15. Stop accusing the Autocorrect on my phone of hating me and waging a silent but very real war to make me look stupid.
16. Stop pouting over the fact I was sorted into Hufflepuff rather than Ravenclaw. At least it wasn’t Gryffindor.
17. Stop hoping for people to break up so that I can swoop in and score the guy when he’s needy and vulnerable.
18. Stop retweeting praise and compliments on Twitter. (ha. Never going to happen. TELL ME I’M PRETTY, WORLD.)
19. Stop obsessing about how much I love my electric blanket.
20. Stop googling ways to officially marry my electric blanket.
21. Invent a time machine so I can have sex with Marlon Brando when he’s in A Streetcar Named Desire. And stop Hitler or whatever. I guess.
22. Stop expecting a medal every time I light the fire. Like, literally cavemen could do it.
23. Stop staring at my dog while he sleeps. For hours. When my father tells me “you love that dog too much, it’s weird. I think he’s afraid of you”, it’s time to move on.
24. Stop spending hours at night time thinking about what my father said about my love for my dog and wondering if it correlates to how I treat men.
25. Stop getting into hour-long conversations about grammar and spelling with my sister or we are never going to find Men To Marry Us and will make a pure Mrs Bennet out of our long-suffering mother.
26. Stop telling people I don’t watch TV with a sanctimonious “I’m better than you” expression. They should already know that I’m better than they are. I don’t need to rub it in.
I’ll check back in with you this time next year to let you know how I got on....Happy New Year! I hope 2016 will be your best one yet....
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