Our super sleuth recognises the moaners and chancers and spoofers and stars of the season with his inaugural awards ceremony, writes The Secret Footballer.

The Honey I Shrunk The Club Award:

Jose Mourinho for his groundbreaking work in the science of perspective.

Mourinho’s innovative use of unlimited funding to turn Manchester United into a pocket-sized machine which can safely convert the sloppy excess of three points into a tidy single point has captured the very zeitgeist of Brexit Britain — just before the use of foreign words like zeitgeist is outlawed.

The small and imperfectly formed draft version of Manchester United which Mourinho unveiled this season has succeeded in making the hillock of the Europa League look like the north face of Everest. The cruel 38-game Premier League season looks like the Bataan Death March.

It has been the most significant contribution to our understanding of the laws of perspective since Father Ted explained to Father Dougal the difference between very small and very far away.

The Where Were You When Somebody First Asked You Where You Were When JFK Was Shot Award:

Goes to all those of us who claim to have spotted the first moment of greatness in Dele Alli. Was it….

The OZ Award (Also known as The Scarecrow Had No Brains, The Tin Man Had No Heart, The Lion Was A Coward And The Wizard Was An OAP Award):

Has to be Arsenal FC for their remake of an old classic. “If we walk far enough,” said Dorothy “we shall sometime come to someplace.” Unfortunately, that someplace was the Europa League. Nevertheless, audiences were still moved to tears, mainly of laughter.

The You Can’t Grieve Forever Award (previously The What Have the Romans Done For Us Award):

Goes to Leicester City fans for pulling themselves together after shares in local pizza joints plummeted following the dilly ding dilly gone business.

The Superman Is That A Bird, Is That A Plane? No Gaffer I’m Afraid It’s Another Plane Award

: To Arsene Wenger. You know your club has become too fat and comfortable when people communicate via banners strung from light aircraft. What ever happened to lynching? Or Dignitas?

The House Of Horror Award:

To West Ham United. A family that thinks they are posh but know they aren’t moves to a nicer neighbourhood and mayhem ensues! The seats aren’t the same and the stadium is all bendy and there is no option but to start beating each other up. Ooops!

The And the Award Goes to La La Land, No Sorry, That Should Be Moonlight Award:

Goes to Antonio Conte who was just getting ready to smile a big fake smile and applaud politely when the Academy of Pundit Arts prematurely recognised Pep Guardiola’s opus last Autumn. Pep had won his first ten games after the credit rolled before critics noticed a large plot hole. Pep was playing without a defence! Gasp!

The Tony Pulis Just An Advance To Tide Me Over Award:

Goes to Mino Raiola: Let’s review. Le Havre whisk Paul Pogba away from Torcy who reared him. Then Manchester United whisked Pogba away from Le Havre. All good till United decided the kid Pogba was worth less than Pogba thought he was worth. Juventus whisked him away. Finally United decided they really loved Pogba after all and paid a euromillions sum of money for him. That’s football. Dog eat dog. Pogba’s agent gets a handsome slice from Paul Pogba, Juventus and Manchester United. And the agent is the bad guy? No, that’s business.

The Inaugural David Moyes You Might Get A Slap Award:

Sergio Aguero for his ongoing blood feud with David Luiz. His “horror” tackle on Sideshow Bob back in early December was the last time City got near Chelsea. Aguero got a three-game ban and may also have to face the fact that Luiz is best mates with Jesus.

The Maybe Davina McCall Will Do A Moving Programme Reuniting Him With His Career Award

: Daniel Sturridge, an English professional footballer who played for Premier League club Liverpool before disappearing into a physio room some time ago, never to be seen again.

The Pinot Noir? I’ll Have A Pint Thanks Award:

Goes to Sam Allardyce. Realising too late that there are no relegation battles in international football (despite Scotland making the case for them) Sam got away from the thickets of blazers, backed away from the paid speechifying business which he was born for and gave up consulting about transfer backdoors to go back to the tow and repair business.

The Wrong Man at the Wrong Time in the Wrong Place Award

: Goes to Coach Brad Bobley who arrived in darkest Wales with the cheery zeal of a Mormon missionary trying to convert the grimy natives to the way of the Osmonds. After a couple of completely incomprehensible references about giving away PKs during road games, local suspicions hardened. You don’t sound like you’re from ’round these parts Mr Headball, they noted darkly, before firing his ass.

The Elliot Ness Untouchables Award to the FA for their fearless stance on gambling

. Banning the Sutton Pie Eater and exposing Joey Barton’s wanton recklessness with a spare fiver crippled the global betting industry.

The Enjoy Yourself It’s Later Than You Think Award

: Goes to Wayne Rooney who showed the world that life really does begin at 40. His withering comment on the obscene wages conferred on young Zlatan Ibrahimovic was to throw down a fortnight’s wages on the spin of a wheel and lose the lot without even spilling his beer.

The Vorsprung durch Technik Award:

Goes to Jurgen Klopp for Gegenpressing. Not since that What’s The Problem Guys moment when Jurgen discovered the light switch in his motor and banished the darkness forever has such a devastatingly simple solution to a problem presented itself.

Gegenpressing or in English, “Running Around A Lot” has transformed Liverpool from Europa League also-rans to a Champions League also-ran and ran and rans, while eliminating the tedious need to organise a defence.


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