Eamon Dunphy perpetual trophy for post-match entertainment: Davy Fitz
“We’re only the small little fish out there, so we are.” He gave us fresh, delightful champions and hopefully ushered in a new era of mind games in hurling.
Runner-up: Noel King — rose to the bait while Tony O’Donoghue still had his fishing rod in his car boot.
Nadia Forde pre-match entertainment award: Davy again before the All-Ireland semi-final
Bronson and Fonda shared one of the great stares at the end of Once Upon a Time in the West. But this was all one way and it was Ger Canning getting the eyes. Terrifying.
Mike Ashley greasy till award: Pádraig Harrington
Convinced himself average golfing Joe will strap on a garish orange straitjacket if it means knocking a shot off his handicap. He’s probably right.
Loudest wake-up call: Wayne Rooney
The Roon’s revival has nothing to do with David Moyes. In May he was linked with a move to Newcastle.
Luis Suarez resilient panto villain award: Pat McQuaid
Just stopped short of amending the UCI rulebook to give Swiss-based Irishmen a thousand votes each.
Runner-up: Piers Morgan — a compelling reason to close down Arsenal FC. And all media outlets.
Pundit of the year: Cyril Farrell
Nobody captured the ebb and flow of hurling better than the man who never finished a sentence before starting another. And nothing captured the physiology of a hurling man better than his description of Davy: “He wears his heart on his shoulder.”
Nelson Mandela hero of the year award: Brett Lee
The former Aussie paceman peppered Piers Morgan with a bodyline over — fitting reward for another year of incessant bullshit.
Runner-up: ITV’s Gabriel Clarke — broke it off with Jose Mourinho just as he was set to spill his soul about rekindling his tawdry love affair with the English media.
Game of the year: NBA Finals Game Six
The night LeBron threw off the headband and put on the crown.
Runner-up: All-Ireland SHC replay — James McGrath didn’t blow the final whistle. He told them: “Go home, you’re drunk.”
Edward Snowden whistleblower award: Alan Quinlan
For breaking the horrific news that chips are now being consumed at Ireland rugby matches. Nothing can ever be quite the same again.
Graeme Swann best spinner award: Arsene Wenger
“We are champions of England in the second half.”
Runner-up: Jose Mourinho — “Sunderland were able to change the truth of the result.”
Roy Keane take that you **** award: Eamonn O’Hara
Barely had his new suits under the Sunday Game table when he buried Sligo manager Kevin Walsh under a whole heap of ‘remember me’.
Runner-up: Rafa Benitez — defied the mob in the best possible way, by delivering them a trophy they couldn’t even enjoy properly.
Biggest enemy of the state: Ryle Nugent
The demise of Premier Soccer Saturday had the stench of egg all over it.
Fastest bandwagon dismount: Irish Lions fans
Once the axe fell on Drico, men who had wept for the brave custodians in red were shouting for Australia and ready to accept it was all a load of Sky Sports hype.
Naomi Klein best protest against modern football award: Mario Gotze
Wore a Nike T-shirt to the launch of Bayern’s new adidas kit — mobilising an attack on globalisation through brand confusion.
Joseph Stalin award for best motivator: Alex Ferguson
Never lost it right up to the end. Slammed Phil Dowd’s fitness in April. The ref emerged in August having lost more than two stone.
Image of the year: Shane O’Donnell and Darach Honan
The hero and the fall guy. Sitting together at Croke Park after the replay, trying to process a day so perfect it eventually let them both be heroes.
Runner-up: Peter Odemwingie — behind the wheel en route to QPR with the fixed eyes and grim determination of a man who knew £100,000 per week was on the line.
Carrie 2013 most disappointing revival award: Big Ron
Live on TV for over a week and barely a single addition to the Ronglish lexicon. Itprobably didn’t help that nobody watched Celebrity Big Brother.
Runner-up: John Terry — changed into full kit again to collect another trophy, but it just wasn’t as funny second time round.
The Luis Suarez savage hunger award: Sylvain Chavanel
Fined 100 Swiss francs during the Tour de France for “eating in a way that damages the image of cycling”.
Frank Murphy freedom fighting trophy: Barry Gilleran
The Longford hero spotted the best-before date had expired on the rule book and set a host of good men free.
Mario Gotze controversial departure award: Second Captains
Probably the most successful response to an Off The Ball incident after Suarez.
Runner-up: Fulham’s Michael Jackson statue. In the end, as long as he has washed it sensibly, Conor Mortimer’s tribute will have probably outlasted it.
Lance Armstrong worst apology award: Sergio Garcia
Left a letter in Tiger Woods’s locker! Decided against a spot of kiss-chase behind the clubhouse.
The cherry Coke worst idea award: Jan Ullrich
Give Lance his seven jerseys back? Just the photo opportunity the sport needed.
Runners-up: Tyrone — even Rafa drew the line at photocopying his dossier of facts for everyone in the media.
Kenny Dalglish stout defence award: Brendan Rodgers
Never printed up a T-shirt but B-Rod painted a bleak picture of the gruelling, primitive conditions people face in Uruguay and penalty areas alike; “Luis grew up in a country where he learnt survival.”
Runner-up: Lance Armstrong tidied up alleged comments about Betsy Andreu. “I called her crazy, I called her a bitch, but I never called her fat.”
Michael Fish award for worst meteorology: Sepp Blatter
Admitted awarding Qatar the World Cup may have been a mistake. But how could anybody have known it was hot in the desert in the middle of summer?
Biggest decision: Brian Gavin
Let’s just wait and see where Pa Kelly pucks this one.
Runner-up: James McCarthy — allowed Trap into his head after 91-and-a-half minutes of the home game against Austria and knocked the ball aimlessly down the line to set up one more attack.
Alex Ferguson well-earned gold watch: Rio Ferdinand
Officially confirmed his retirement from holidaying in the Middle East during England games.
Runner-up: Alan Hansen: Bows out exhausted from his 40-grand-a-week gig randomly blurting out words like pace, power, and diabolical.
The bouncebackability award: Joe Kinnear
They character assassinated JFK when he arrived at Newcastle, but that’s all gone a bit quiet hasn’t it?
The Reginal Hunter award for services to comedy: Roy Hodgson
You can take it to the bank that Roy won’t be the last manager — AVB may even vouch for this — forced to tell an elaborate joke about a monkey in space to convince his players to pass to Andros Townsend.
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