I wouldn’t normally do this, but on the subject of last week’s middle aged dating profiles, I ran out of wordspace long before I ran out of words. So here’s part two of a handy guide to all you jowly lycra lovers out there in dating land, constructing profiles in the hope of snagging a menopausal firecracker for an introductory coffee. (Heteronormative disclaimer: As a straight woman, I only know the dating profiles of straight men. More’s the pity).
Anyway. A quick recap - no dead fish photos, no sports action shots. I forgot to include no scuba diving – how are we supposed to see what you look like if you’re encased head to toe in tight rubber? See also gimps, although you’ll need a different app for that. And motorbike gear – posing by your VroomVroom 850cc covered in Lego-coloured leather is one for the blokes, not the ladies, even if the ladies are themselves bikers. Same with comedy shots of your recent lads’ night out involving gurning, silly hats, and plastic pint glasses. We don’t want to see any of that.
Worse still is when your main profile picture contains two or three blokes. Which you are you? The hot one, or the one who looks like a potato? Don’t make us guess. Also, if you are too lazy to upload a new selfie – please, please don’t be that lazy – at least make sure you crop out your ex properly. Otherwise we’ll empathy-bond with her, not you. The poor woman.
There also seems to be some kind of ongoing misconception that we want to see your entire family. We don’t. Sorry, but no. Including a baby in your profile pics can only mean one of three things – you’ve recently had a baby with someone (so what are you doing on a dating app?); you’re looking for a nanny and have wandered onto a dating app by accident; or you got babies mixed up with puppies. To clarify: women like men holding puppies, not babies. We’ve had our own babies. We know what they look like.
When it comes to the words bit, don’t write that you don’t know what to write. Also don’t write that you like fun nights out and cosy nights in. Or food. What do you think we are – breatharians? Also, rein in any latent dating fatigue. If you fire off a profile demanding no time wasters, no drama queens, no gold diggers, no trout pouts, no filters, no fillers, you may come across as a bit of a knob. Take a break. Have a sandwich. This is meant to be fun, remember?
But don’t, whatever you do, set up a physical coffee date with an actual woman in real life, then turn up looking like a knackered version of your dad, before you beamingly disclose how your day job is in digital manipulation. You are guaranteed to impress your date about as much as the UK recently impressed the Eurovision. Nul points. Don’t do it.