Ask Audrey: Do you trust them? Not really, he's an estate agent

Sorting Cork people out for ages.
Ask Audrey: Do you trust them? Not really, he's an estate agent

Ask Audrey: 'My cousin spends a lot of time on the dark web, I’d say he’d find it easier to buy a nuclear bomb than to land a girlfriend. I said, do you know someone that could help change your address. He said, I do. I said, trust them? He said, not really, he’s an estate agent.'

Hello old stock, I’ve having a fierce problem with my younger brother Lochlann. I think it goes back to the time we are all given West Cork holiday homes for Christmas in 1989. I got a 1.2 million villa in Crookhaven, while he was stuck with a semi-detached place in Schull. 

The guy next door is a butcher from Ballyphehane and he’s forever sticking his head over the fence offering Lochlann a can of Carling. Anyway, in fairness to Lochlann, he’s very knacky with the technology, and didn’t he hack into the Eircode system, and when you put in the code for my 5.2 million euro mansion on the Blackrock Road, doesn’t it come back and say that I live in Mahon. 

Didn’t the Royal Yacht club get wind of it and they said I either fix it before the weekend or else I have to join Kinsale Yacht club, sure they’d take anyone. Do you know a tech-head that could fix this for me? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road, not Mahon.

My cousin spends a lot of time on the dark web, I’d say he’d find it easier to buy a nuclear bomb than to land a girlfriend. I said, do you know someone that could help change your address. He said, I do. I said, trust them? He said, not really, he’s an estate agent.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I’m back with the boyfriend on the Kerry side of the border now full-time, tis handy when you’re familiar with someone because you don’t have to go learning new positions in the bedroom or even bother brushing your teeth if you don’t want to. 

The only problem is that he has lost interest in the hanky panky, claiming that he isn’t half as horny during the pandemic and his brother Ned is the same, so it’s not like there is anything wrong with him. I said, would you consider seeing someone and he said, sure amn’t I seeing you and I said, well not that anyone would notice anymore, to be honest with you boy. 

I’m not sure if we have a future – it’s hard listening to him talking about something that happened in the Rally of the Lakes when you can’t look forward to a nice bit of tumble at the end of it. So, are people really losing their libido because of this pandemic, bad cess to it? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond 

That sounds like one for my cousin, straight-talking Susan. I said, what’s the story with loss of libido during the pandemic. She said, the research shows that 7 out of 10 guys are less horny than they were this time last year. I said, who carried out the research. She said, me, I’ve ten boyfriends now, sure there’s nothing on TV.

It’s getting livid on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Stress Enough That Our Sweaty Betty Leggings Cost Over a 100 quid.

Fifi_OutofMyWayBeeAtches said what’s the point in us walking five abreast down the Marina shouting about the cost of a month in Schull this summer, if the people behind us don’t realise that our clothes cost more than a semi-d in Glanmire?

Lotti_200EuroBobbleHat said there really isn’t any point in being worth over €10 million euro if you can’t dress up and make other people feel bad about themselves because they only buy their clothes in Dunnes. Emma_SalesRackYouMustBeJoking said she was waiting to cross the road yesterday and this woman from Turners Cross said, nice wan girl, you’ve the same leggings as myself. As if, Audrey. So yes, we’re all in the same boat these days, but we’d probably be in a super-yacht now in Marbella if it wasn’t for the travel restrictions. So like, is there any chance we could get dressed up in designer gear and go to a restaurant on the QT? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

 I rang the Posh Cousin and said, is there anything worth getting dressed up for in the near future? She said, a lot of people are planning to spend a fortune on an outfit for their trip to get the vaccine. I said, but that’s no crack. She said, au contraire Audrey, the vaccination centre is all about good-looking doctors and free drugs, it will be just like a get-together in Kinsale.

Hey, so like kudos to those billionaire Collison dudes in Limerick but they never opened a coffee business out of a horsebox in Ballintemple during a global pandemic. And like, it was a great way to meet todal babes at the start but now it’s got really busy during lockdown and I don’t even have time to tell said todal babes how much I dig feminism and shit, ya feelin me? 

I can’t just shut it down and spend my days going around town on my electric scooter because the old man is threatening to zero my trust fund if I walk away from yet another job. So like, how can I keep the crowds away and free up time for Mr Ed to have the chats with de cats? 

-Ed, Ballintemple.

My nephew is an economist, snooze-a-rella. I said, how can Ed deter customers? He said, cut his prices by 50%. I said, but that will increase demand. He said, not in Ballintemple. #LookAtLornaWithTheCheapCoffee

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