Jose Mourinho for his groundbreaking work in the science of perspective.
Mourinho’s innovative use of unlimited funding to turn Manchester United into a pocket-sized machine which can safely convert the sloppy excess of three points into a tidy single point has captured the very zeitgeist of Brexit Britain — just before the use of foreign words like zeitgeist is outlawed.
The small and imperfectly formed draft version of Manchester United which Mourinho unveiled this season has succeeded in making the hillock of the Europa League look like the north face of Everest. The cruel 38-game Premier League season looks like the Bataan Death March.
It has been the most significant contribution to our understanding of the laws of perspective since Father Ted explained to Father Dougal the difference between very small and very far away.
Goes to all those of us who claim to have spotted the first moment of greatness in Dele Alli. Was it….
Has to be Arsenal FC for their remake of an old classic. “If we walk far enough,” said Dorothy “we shall sometime come to someplace.” Unfortunately, that someplace was the Europa League. Nevertheless, audiences were still moved to tears, mainly of laughter.
Goes to Leicester City fans for pulling themselves together after shares in local pizza joints plummeted following the dilly ding dilly gone business.
: To Arsene Wenger. You know your club has become too fat and comfortable when people communicate via banners strung from light aircraft. What ever happened to lynching? Or Dignitas?
To West Ham United. A family that thinks they are posh but know they aren’t moves to a nicer neighbourhood and mayhem ensues! The seats aren’t the same and the stadium is all bendy and there is no option but to start beating each other up. Ooops!
Goes to Antonio Conte who was just getting ready to smile a big fake smile and applaud politely when the Academy of Pundit Arts prematurely recognised Pep Guardiola’s opus last Autumn. Pep had won his first ten games after the credit rolled before critics noticed a large plot hole. Pep was playing without a defence! Gasp!
Goes to Mino Raiola: Let’s review. Le Havre whisk Paul Pogba away from Torcy who reared him. Then Manchester United whisked Pogba away from Le Havre. All good till United decided the kid Pogba was worth less than Pogba thought he was worth. Juventus whisked him away. Finally United decided they really loved Pogba after all and paid a euromillions sum of money for him. That’s football. Dog eat dog. Pogba’s agent gets a handsome slice from Paul Pogba, Juventus and Manchester United. And the agent is the bad guy? No, that’s business.
Sergio Aguero for his ongoing blood feud with David Luiz. His “horror” tackle on Sideshow Bob back in early December was the last time City got near Chelsea. Aguero got a three-game ban and may also have to face the fact that Luiz is best mates with Jesus.
: Daniel Sturridge, an English professional footballer who played for Premier League club Liverpool before disappearing into a physio room some time ago, never to be seen again.
Goes to Sam Allardyce. Realising too late that there are no relegation battles in international football (despite Scotland making the case for them) Sam got away from the thickets of blazers, backed away from the paid speechifying business which he was born for and gave up consulting about transfer backdoors to go back to the tow and repair business.
: Goes to Coach Brad Bobley who arrived in darkest Wales with the cheery zeal of a Mormon missionary trying to convert the grimy natives to the way of the Osmonds. After a couple of completely incomprehensible references about giving away PKs during road games, local suspicions hardened. You don’t sound like you’re from ’round these parts Mr Headball, they noted darkly, before firing his ass.
. Banning the Sutton Pie Eater and exposing Joey Barton’s wanton recklessness with a spare fiver crippled the global betting industry.
: Goes to Wayne Rooney who showed the world that life really does begin at 40. His withering comment on the obscene wages conferred on young Zlatan Ibrahimovic was to throw down a fortnight’s wages on the spin of a wheel and lose the lot without even spilling his beer.
Goes to Jurgen Klopp for Gegenpressing. Not since that What’s The Problem Guys moment when Jurgen discovered the light switch in his motor and banished the darkness forever has such a devastatingly simple solution to a problem presented itself.
Gegenpressing or in English, “Running Around A Lot” has transformed Liverpool from Europa League also-rans to a Champions League also-ran and ran and rans, while eliminating the tedious need to organise a defence.