Terrace Talk: Ole’s at the wheel of a clown car stuck in flux

“Don’t get me wrong,” sighed a favourite old colleague as we balefully examined United’s dim final-week prospects yesterday morning. “I’m still glad Ole’s at the wheel. It’s just that he’s driving a sodding clown car.”

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Terrace Talk: Forget the past — it’s all balls and fortune now

We’re almost there, although we still don’t know where “there” is yet. It’s been whittled down to heaven or hell, with nothing in between.

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Terrace Talk: Man United - Spanish hangover leads to Goodison nightmare

“Goodison is no place to go with a Spanish hangover,” fretted your pessimistic correspondent here last week, although not even I thought the week would turn out quite this badly.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - I can’t take this much longer. Thankfully, I don’t have to

It’s bad enough going through this with Liverpool, now we do it for someone else’s games. I can’t take this much longer. Thankfully I don’t have to.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - We’ve gone beyond the call of duty

We’re going to need a catchphrase. How about “We go again”? Okay, okay — no need to bite my head off.

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Terrace Talk: A clusterfudge, but give me a lucky general every time

Don’t ask how I’m feeling. You’re reading this, so I’m alive anyway. Weekly updates forthcoming.

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Terrace Talk: Maybe we’re just not cut out to be frontrunners

Rollercoasters are overrated. Up, down, then up again. Never saw the fascination myself — maybe it’s because I get all that from my team and don’t really need any more discombobulation.

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Terrace Talk: Blood and thunder aplenty in 1980s-style derby slugfest

For all the weariness with Wembley, the place was rocking for the North London derby.

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Terrace Talk: Chelsea - Subs and snubs: Welcome to the House of Fun

Kepa-gate could have only happened at Chelsea; we seem to have a controversy-seeking missile constantly prepped and ready to go.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - Must we be tortured by other results as well as our own?

Where were we? Three weeks without a column, due to Klopp’s disregard for the cup and TV’s disregard for supporters, the landscape has barely changed.

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Terrace Talk: Man United - Ole is clearly the luckiest of generals, as Napoleon might’ve noted

I am writing this in southwestern rural France, an hour before the start of ‘Le Crunch’, as the French call their annual rugby highlight against the elderberry-smelling English hamsters.

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Despite joy at our stumble, we belong in this title race

I knew it was too good to be true. Having ended 20 league games claiming “this can’t last”, my sense of vindicating satisfaction is tingling…

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Terrace Talk: Man City - Grateful for an all-time great Fernandinho display

And now for something totally unique: Manchester City v Liverpool. The earliest title decider ever seen. Well, not quite, of course. The pre-match heat, so intense and febrile, begot a match sizzling with fervour and movement, but when the mists cleared, we found that we’re all still gripped by the icy fingers of the first week of January.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - I’ve bitten fingernails down to the elbow. Not even just for our games

John Lennon’s Christmas song mentioned New Year as well. “Let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear”.

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Terrace Talk: Arsenal - Performances indistinguishable from Arsenal of old

I’d love to be able to blame our humiliating annihilation on the numbskull responsible for dressing us in a green kit, upon a grass pitch, but frankly that’s a feeble excuse. Saturday’s demolition served as a timely reminder of the enormity of the task facing Unai Emery.

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Terrace Talk: Man United - Back in the Ole routine to ring out the year in style

May I be the first to wish you a happy new year, dear reader? Yes, that’s jumping the gun a tad; but being premature is very à la mode, it seems. Because Liverpool FC are the 2019 champions, or so we are told by most of the English media, so we may as well all go home.

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Terrace Talk: You need a microscope to nit-pick nowadays

“Thanks, Chelsea”; that’s near the top of any list of things you thought you’d never say.

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Terrace Talk: City result restored a bit of faith but...

If ever there was a week that summed up Chelsea Football Club, then the happenings of the past seven days was it.

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Terrace Talk: Yuletide miracle at Anfield top of Santa wish list

Terrace Man Utd What? Two entertaining United games — in a row?! It must be Christmas, because it’s just what we wanted. In fact, Santa’s come a bit too early, unless he’s somehow planning to top it all on Sunday at Anfield. Now that really would constitute a Yuletide miracle.

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Terrace Talk: That sound you hear? Excited Liverpool fans...

Excelling at things over a long period of time can sometimes breed complacency. It is a natural enough progression. If you are in charge of a government, you don’t even have to be brilliant to become

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Terrace Talk: Man United - Another little death en route to final reckoning

Once again, I found my mind idly wondering, and wandering, while watching United on Saturday afternoon, writes Richard Kurt.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - If we click for 10 minutes, it’ll beat most teams

Since all the attention is focused on somebody else, Liverpool can just plough their own furrow.

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Terrace Talk: Man United - Eternal hope is the curse of the football man

Whenever United play Palace these days, I always find myself thinking of the loyal Irish Examiner reader out in Clonakilty once described to me as “the only Eagles fan in Ireland”. (Hello there, James.)

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Terrace Talk: Chelsea - Trouble ahead without a Plan B as ‘Sarri-ball’ punctured

There are a lot of decisions to be made in the next month or so at Stamford Bridge.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - Nothing feels right, but let’s cling onto Man City’s coattails

Liverpool are in predictably unpredictable mode, making it harder to maintain a cerebral even keel. Things weren’t helped by a muted atmosphere which indicated how many (hardly any) wanted to be there at all.

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Terrace talk: Liverpool - We’re doing fine, City are doing finer. Deal with it

It’s complicated. We should be happy but there’s a palpable dread about how this ends because of others. Well, one other…

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Terrace talk: Arsenal - Happily settling for a welcome glimpse of some cojones

With football’s powers that be seemingly intent on garroting their golden goose, with increasingly relentless, wall-to-wall live TV coverage, it's somewhat of a relief that unlike our disappointingly underwhelming midweek cup win, an Arsenal v Liverpool Premiership outing, under the floodlights, remains a sufficiently portentous encounter to set Gooner pulses racing and pack out the Emirates.

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Terrace talk: Man United - As far from ‘Super’ as we’ve been for a decade

For once, in his post-match comments on Saturday, José didn’t dissemble, and he spoke for what was in all our hearts. We all knew we’d robbed the Cherries blind - but we felt it was the cosmic karmic balancing for our own last-gasp mugging at Stamford Bridge two weeks back. Somewhere in the back of mind chirped the old cliché “these things even out over a season”.

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Terrace Talk: Liverpool - What’s not to like? Plenty, if you are in my seat...

I’m almost out of cautionary tales now. The Gerard Houllier reference last week was given short shrift elsewhere. Eight goals in the week, seven by our ‘misfiring’ fab three, was all the ammunition anyone needed. I hate smug optimists… Their own hark-back, to last season, was borne out to be fair. Another opportune bit of target practice against weaklings was all Salah and Mane needed to get going again.

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TERRACE TALK: Man United - Complacency prompts unexpected relapse

How ironically apt that on the day Alex Ferguson showed us all the extent of his recovery, Mourinho’s United decided to have a relapse.

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TERRACE TALK: Man United - Fergie wouldn’t have put up with Ed Woodward’s antics

How good to see you again, dear reader. Here begins my 20th season at the Examiner — yes, we are getting old, though you wear it well — and it’s surely time for me to get some of that ‘season syndrome’ action I keep hearing about.

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