Ask Audrey: Don't ask a guy in Douglas if he went to Pres — wait 10 seconds and he’ll tell you

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.
Ask Audrey: Don't ask a guy in Douglas if he went to Pres — wait 10 seconds and he’ll tell you

Don’t ask your Kiskeam lover where she went to school herself. It will only ruin the romance when she says ‘a hedge.’

It’s getting nervous on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Dying to Find Out Where You Went To School.
Muireann_2Posh4ACockaPoo has moved to Dubai for a year to avoid paying income tax because you know the way the government are, they’d only pass the money on to the Norries. Anyway, a new couple has moved in and Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she was watching them through her telescope last night and they’re obviously from the right stock because they have the most amazing skin. Beth_IndoorSwimmingPool said they’re obviously well chilled as well because they gave her a wave when she was flying her drone over their back garden on Monday. Lorna_NoJuniorSuite4Me said that’s all grand girls, but does anyone know where the couple went to school, because how the shite are we supposed to judge our new neighbours if we don’t know their background. We banned Lorna for six weeks because the word ‘shite’ is a bit South Douglas Road but she’s right Audrey – how the heck are we going to figure out where they went to school?
— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I always say that there is no need to ask a guy around Douglas if he went to Pres — just wait 10 seconds and he’ll tell you. But the problem now is you get people all around the world moving to Cork because they liked The Young Offenders. I asked my new Italian neighbour where he went to school. He said, Lecce. I said, I’m sure you are, but where did you go to school?

Guten Tag. I have started a whirlwind romance with a woman from Kiskeam, it all happened so quick I have yet to meet her friends, who for some reason are known as ‘the lads’. Anyway, due to our excellent jobs in the IT and Pharmaceutical sector, we have recently moved into a huge house on the Douglas Road because we are worth it. The minute my new girlfriend saw the place she said ‘oh lads’. She says this a lot and I can see it becoming a problem over time. However, the main problem now is our neighbours. They are bugging us all the time, trying to find out about our background. Only yesterday evening I was in the back garden when a voice from the other side of the hedge said, where did you go to school? And then this morning a very anxious-looking woman in expensive gym gear knocked on my door and asked me did I recognise the black, white and purple tie in her hand. What is wrong with you people, why do you want to know about school so much?
—Jurgen, Berlin and Douglas Road.

We’re obsessed with it alright. Whatever you do don’t ask your Kiskeam lover where she went to school herself. It will only ruin the romance when she says ‘a hedge.’

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. God almighty, is it too much to ask for a man that is somewhere between a Scartaglin caveman who expects his dinner on the table when he gets home from work and a new-age gobshite who spends his days apologising for something called ‘the patriarchy’, and acting as if he’s embarrassed to be walking around with a mickey. Myself and Berna joined a new dating site there last week, where they pair over-sexed country women with sensitive men, it’s called I’m Sorry, You’re Sexy. Anyway, I met up with a lad called Tobias, flashing red warning lights there straight away, but didn’t he have a grand set of shoulders up on him. He said it’s awful the way some men liked to have women underneath them, and I said not always, let me finish up my Pornstar Martini and I’ll let you see what I mean. Well, didn’t he accuse me of being an anti-feminist and off he went on his cargo bike, leaving me looking like a total browl. Where can I find a man that doesn’t feel the need to flaunt his feminist credentials?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Don’t talk to me about feminist credentials. My Conor arrived home last night and said, I’m a feminist now Audrey. I said. Why? He said, #Equality, I want you to put out the bins. (Take my husband.)

C’mere, what’s the story with going into a posh house? I’ve started seeing this one from the Rochestown Road, I met her on a dating app for posh birds, it’s called I Want to Have Sex with a Norrie, I like the way it doesn’t beat around the bush. Anyway, she brought me down to her gaff last weekend to meet her family and made me go in the back door and when we got inside, the lot of them were there, guffawing ‘servant’s entrance’ at me, and I was thinking like, that’s not on these days, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want them going, oh look at the Norrie, he do have no sense of humour. They were sound enough after that, although your one’s nan kept asking if I owned a greyhound. So anyway like, I’m going back down there again this weekend — do you think I should insist on going in the front door?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, would you tell a Norrie he has to go in the back door? She hung up — I think she thought it was a double entendre.

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