Ask Audrey: can you drive an electric car without looking like you're in love with Dan Boyle?

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: can you drive an electric car without looking like you're in love with Dan Boyle?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Guten Tag. I am very confused about all the talk around the America’s Cup yacht race. Everyone at my workplace is saying they would love it to come to Cork in 2024. I say, I did not realise you were such a big fan of the yacht racing. 

They say, We are not fans at all Jurgen, it just sounds like the crack, and then they make the action of downing pints and shots using your two hands as if it is closing time in The Crane Lane. 

I said, you mean you have no interest in the race and they said, why would we want to watch some rich langers tooling around in a boat? So tell me, is the America’s Cup thing just an excuse for Cork people to go on the piss? 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

My ex loved his yacht, I rang him there and said, what’s the most important skill in sailing? He said, making sure that you’re able to get your spinnaker up. I didn’t say anything because I’m off double entendres until Halloween.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. People often say to me, do you ever regret not having children and I say, why would I want a smaller version of myself following me around and telling me that she hates me for trying to get her to eat a boiled egg? 

Seriously, while you’re at home on a Saturday night telling your children to go to sleep so you can finish off your pizza and have scheduled sex with your snoozy husband, I’m necking Pornstar Martinis with Berna in Kanturk and making eyes at the Polish fella that came to fix my taps. 

So like anyway, I’ve been seeing this lad from Mallow, and I mean seeing him now like, and he said, I’d like to take it to the next level and I said, do you mean upstairs, he said no, I’d like to have kids. The problem is, and I never thought I’d say this, but I think I might be in love with him, whatever that is. What could I offer him instead of a few sprogs? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend Straight Talking Sue has a podcast for people who don’t want kids, it’s called Five Holidays a Year, Suckers. I told her your story and said, what do you say to a guy who wants a couple of kids? She said, push them out yourself sunshine and you can have a whole soccer team.

C’mere, what’s the best way for a Norrie to behave in a large country mansion? Myself and the old doll were given the present of a weekend in a posh gaff in north Cork. She do be very nervous that I’ll show her up again, I don’t think we’ll ever here the last time, when I got brutal fit of the gawks in the infinity pool of that mental posh hotel in Killarney. 

She is insisting that it’s champagne and cocktails for this coming weekend because she’d be morto if one of the posh nobs said, ‘Good God Gertrude, that chap in the Liverpool jersey is after asking the barman to put on the darts’, as if we should be ashamed of the way were reared. 

The thing is, I do get fierce wind from champagne and I find it impossible to get comfortable in a pair of jeans, I won’t go into too much detail, but I’m very well endowed, do you know what I mean? So like, do posh people drink beer in a tracksuit when they’re away in a country mansion? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I remember this really rich farmer took me to a 9-star hotel in Austria when I was in college. He said, Christ, Audrey this is the life, I can’t think of one thing I’d change. I said, maybe start with your socks, Paudie. #Stuck2Him

It’s getting V Hippy this week on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Cry Themselves To Sleep at Night Because You’re Still Driving a Diesel. Fifi_WhitePrius said it’s an absolute disgrace the way Ballincollig types insist on driving around in their gas guzzlers, just to show that they passed the test for car finance, which they’ll basically give to anyone with a surname. 

Lorna_WTF said hang on Fifi, your handle was Fifi_WhiteRangeRover last week, and then she posted a gif of a crying polar bear, followed by a gif of a slam-dunk by Lebron James. We suspended Lorna for six weeks because Fifi is our spiritual leader and you’re not allowed to a word against her. 

At this point Cliona_IncredibleCalves said it’s a complete balls that we have to trade in our 4 litre supercars for some giant battery just because cows can’t stop farting. We all agreed this was an amazing way of putting it. Anyway, Audrey, do you know if it’s possible to drive around in an electric car without looking like you’re in love with Dan Boyle and the Greens? 

-Jenni, Douglas Road

My nephew has a written a book about how to be ethical and rich, it’s called I’m Better Than You In Every Single Way (Loser). I rang him there and said, what do you need if you want to look rich in an electric car. He said, a chauffeur. #Practical

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