Ask Audrey: Should I pretend to like Sally Rooney's book so people don't think I'm from Mallow?

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Should I pretend to like Sally Rooney's book so people don't think I'm from Mallow?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting edgy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Wondering If They Should Ring Simon Coveney and Ask Him For a Job. Helena_IknowEveryOne said, ‘What’s the point having Cork people in power up in Dublin, if we can’t use them to further our careers?’ 

Fifi_UpgradedtoABentley said, ‘Absolutes, couldn’t agree more, but it’s hard to get a message through to Simon Coveney.’ 

Cliona_AmazingCheekBones asked, ‘Is that because he keeps deleting them?’ and Fifi said, ‘No, he’s not really connected to Posh Cork, because he only went to Clongowes: I can only assume they couldn’t get him into Pres’. 

Then, Helena came back and said, ‘I’d really like to do something with children, as long as they’re not my own, particularly now that they’re gone back to school and I almost have my life back. I can already feel the effects on my mental health, not to mention my glutes,’ #ILive4TheGym. 

Shona_IOwnAMiniScnhauser said, ‘Is there any point in trying to get in touch with Micheál Martin to give us a job?’, because she has a contact in Nemo that can make an introduction, so we banned her for six weeks: Nemo is mainly for culchies and people from Turner’s Cross. But, still, it’s not a bad idea. Do you think I should just ring the Taoiseach and ask him for a job? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

My niece is in Fianna Fáil: She’ll be 50% of the membership the way things are going. I said, ‘Does Micheál Martin know of any jobs coming up?’ She said, ‘He suspects that party leader will be vacant really soon.’

Hello, it’s Rosealeen, here in Ballydesmond. I wouldn’t recommend North Cork, if you’re looking for culture, because the browls around here can barely read without moving their lips and, indeed, wasn’t I stopped on the street in Kanturk only yesterday and told that I was, quote, ‘Up myself’, because I’m a big fan of The Chase. 

‘Enough of that,’ I said to Berna, ‘it’s time to start up a group of people with IQs in the triple digits’, so we sent a questionnaire around Ballydesmond, saying, ‘Have you ever watched a show with subtitles without saying, “Is there any chance they could talk a bit slower, for feck sake?”’ 

Four people answered ‘yes’ and didn’t we agree to buy the new Sally Rooney book and meet up to share our thoughts about it. Well, Audrey, I went into Cork yesterday and got mine and started reading it and, to be honest with you, it’s mainly emails between two women that you wouldn’t want to get stuck next to at a wedding. 

Jesus, but talk about zero craic. So, do you think I should pretend to like the fecking book, so people don’t think I’m from Mallow? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My niece is the leading intellectual in Ballygarvan, which isn’t saying much. I asked if she thought the book was any good. She said, ‘Who cares, as long as they make a TV show out of it and some guy looks good in a pair of shorts?’ #ThatsBallygarvan4Ya

Guten Tag. I 

am in the early stages of a relationship with a woman, here at work in Ballincollig. When I saw her first I thought Spanish, for sure, but, no, she is from a place called Mayo. Apparently, when the local women saw the guys washed ashore from the Spanish Armada, they said ‘goodbye Paudie’ to their freckly boyfriends and got very jiggy with the dark-skinned newbies. 

The result is some people from that part of the world look Spanish, while the rest look Irish, which can’t be easy for them. Anyway, because she is from Mayo, I have to support them in the All-Ireland on Saturday, so to learn about this football I have watched some interviews with inter-county players. 

What I fail to understand is why they start every sentence with the words, ‘I suppose’. You could remove the ‘I suppose’ from every sentence without changing the meaning. What the hell is going on with this ‘I suppose?’ 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

This is one for my GAA mad friend, No Fault Froggy. I rang him and said, ‘Why do GAA players all say “I suppose” at the start of a sentence?’ He said, ‘The “I suppose” started with West Cork players: Those lads don’t want to be tied down to a straight answer. I said, ‘Is that true?’ He said, ‘Yerra, ’tis and ’tisn’t.’ #FroggyIsFromSkibbereen

C’mere, what’s the story with wearing tracksuit bottoms to the office? I’m back in the office three days a week, where I spend most of my time on video calls, so, like, what’s the point? Anyway, I’ve taken to wearing Cork tracksuit bottoms all the time now; it’s nice to have a bit of air around your wedding tackle. 

But my gomie of a boss says I have to wear jeans, even though, as I said, I’m on video calls all day. So, like, do you think I should back down? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin Thelma is in HR; no one likes her. I said, ‘Have you ever told a guy to take off his tracksuit bottoms?’ She said, ‘Ya, but not at work.’

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