HELLO, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I joined a new dating app for over-sexed country people last week: It’s called Randy & Rural. I love it, the way I can ‘go for a spin’, mar dhea, with a muscle-man from Boherbue and be home in time for Fair City. Unfortunately, the app has become flooded with newcomers, or ‘noobs’, as they’re known by people who wish they were American. This is because they cancelled the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival this week, causing a lorry load of lonely bogmen to join the app, with their old-fashioned dating habits. I had one fella, from Clonmel, asking me if I wanted to ‘go for an ice-cream’. I said, ‘Is that what they call it in Tipperary now?’ He said, ‘Call what? I’d just like to sit on a wall with you and eat ice-cream.’ Didn’t I finish that conversation with, ‘You’re not getting near me, ya gowl, with your Wibbly Wobbly Wonder.’ Well, didn’t he report me and I got a phone call from some 14-year-old Yank telling me that I’m suspended from the site. So, like, how can I make it clear to men that I’ve no interest in courting?
- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond
I rang my mother there and said, ‘Why did ye bother with courting?’ She said, ‘We weren’t allowed to have sex before marriage.’ I laughed at this and she said, ‘Look closely at my wedding photos, you can see I was pure as the driven snow.’ I said, ‘Look closely at your wedding photos and you can see me in a pram.’
C’mere, what’s the story with emojis? I’ve started dating this Posh One from St Lukes. Don’t ask me what’s wrong with her: She do be all the time apologising about her privilege and I’m there like, ‘I love your privilege girl, when can we have another go in your old man’s 43-grand hot tub?’ (I showed a photo of it to me mam and she said it do be bigger than The Baths.) Anyway, this old doll is doing philosophy in UCC because she doesn’t really need a job, but she’s embarrassed I’ll think that’s too high brow, so she do totally pretending to be excited for Love Island next week, and was sending me Snapchats all last night and I was like giving them thumbs-up emojis, while trying to watch Russia against Denmark. So, like, then she rings, crying, and says, ‘I can’t believe you sent me emojis: They’re for unwoke Boomers and Millennials. What do you think this is? 2017?’ Then she gave me the bullet. I’m heartbroken, and not just because of the hot-tub. So, like, are emojis over now or what like?
- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool
I call my niece Suzy Snowflake, but not to her face, in case she gets me cancelled from Twitter. I WhatsApped her there and said, ‘What happens if someone sends you an emoji?’ She replied, ‘I block them for being lame.’ I replied with two smiley faces and a laughing monkey.
It’s red hot and competitive this week on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose West Cork Glamping Weekend Probably Costs More Than a Semi-D In Ovens. We’ve all put off booking a glamping weekend until now, because booking early to get a bargain is a real South Douglas Road way of going about things. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover captured the mood, when she said that she rang a glamp-site in Glandore just there and they said, ‘We’re full’, and she said, ‘How much to bump some early-booker out, so I can take their place?’ Your one said, ‘How does five grand sound?’ I said, ‘Low, make it seven grand, so I can boast to my bee-atches on the Douglas Road.’ Cliona_MyOriginalChin said, ‘It’s great to see that something works in this country, but seven grand is still a bit low, Fifi. I hope you aren’t down to your last 100 grand.’It got a bit heated after that and the two girls decided the best thing to do is have a handbag duel by The Gus Healy Swimming Pool, Miu Miu handbags only, nothing under two grand. We’re broadcasting live on Instagram. Audrey, would you do the commentary?
- Jenni, Douglas Road
I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, ‘What do you think?’ She said, ‘What kind of example is that to give their daughters?’ I said, ‘Belting each other with handbags?’ She said, ‘No, Miu Miu handbags, that’s a bit Carrigtwohill.’
Guten Tag. I am living now in Cork for six months and getting a feel for the language. The other day, I asked my boss how she was doing and she said, ‘Not too bad at all’. I said, ‘Oh, sorry to hear you are having a bad day’ and she said that ‘not too bad’ is the Cork phrase for ‘amazing’ and I said, ‘Why don’t you just say ‘amazing’?’ and she said, ‘In case we jinx it’, and I gave up, because it felt like I was messing up her amazing day. Why are the Irish so negative?
- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig
My cousin moved to America because he couldn’t stand our negativity. I rang him there and said, ‘How are tricks?’ He said, ‘I can’t complain.’ I said, ‘It’s going well?’ He said, ‘No, I literally can’t complain, the Americans are overly positive. How are things at home?’ I said, ‘Could be worse.’