Ask Audrey: Should I do a tell-all interview with Oprah?

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Should I do a tell-all interview with Oprah?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Wasn’t I watching the interview with your one Meghan and Harry the other night on the telly, thinking it’s time I settled an auld score or two myself. For example, I’m back with the boyfriend from across the border on the Kerry side because it’s slim pickings on the internet for a 43-year-old woman who isn’t willing to share photos of herself wearing nothing but a Glasgow Celtic jersey. Anyway, didn’t I get a phone call from my future father-in-law last night wondering if any children we had would be completely shit at the old football because his mother is only from Cork. Well, I reared up at him and said wouldn’t it be more in your line asking if the child - BOY OR GIRL - will ever once change its underpants on account of the grandparents coming from Scartaglin in the county of Kerry. I’m thinking now I should do a tell-all interview with Oprah – would she be on for it, tell me?
– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I rang the Posh Cousin there to ask if she had a number for Oprah Winfrey. She said, why? I said, a bogwoman in Ballydesmond wants to tell her side of the story. She said it’s amazing, every second woman I talk to in Blackrock this week is dying to get something off her chest. I said, you mean accusations. She said, no, breast reduction. (The waiting lists are off the scales.)

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Terrified Our Mother Will Write Us Out of the Will. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said her mother is a thundering bee-atch but she can’t say it to her face because she’s a thundering bee-atch with a house on the Rochestown Road which is worth 2.5 million, even though it’s a bit close to Passage. Kiera_LoveMySweatyBetty said it’s like The Hunger Games in her family, where her mother disinherits one of them every 5 years based on the effort they make for Mother’s Day. My mother is playing me off against my siblings to see who inherits the holiday home in Baltimore – do you know where I could hire a Michelin chef to bring to her house on Sunday to blow those cretins out of the water?
- Jenni, Douglas Road, she doesn’t like Mexican, or Mexicans really to be honest, even though she’s never met one.

Oh is your mother a racist as well? The Posh Cousin told me that Michelin star chefs are like hen’s teeth this weekend, you’d have a better chance of finding an intellectual in Fermoy. I asked her if you could protect your inheritance by going down the legal route. She said, Jesus no, you’d buy two houses in West Cork for the price of a five minute chat with a barrister. #OneHouseInCrookhaven.

Hail, glorious St. Patrick, dear saint of our isle, On us thy poor children bestow a sweet smile. Hello, it’s Fr Phelim here again from the Rectory, in holy tears just thinking about all we’ve lost as a nation. I’m not technically a priest, but I’m praying like a madman that the Bishop will give me a call one of these days and say, d’you know Phelim, God loves a trier, so why don’t you just start saying mass below in the church, there’s no one else to do it anyway. So look it, because of Covid there isn’t much scope for carousing and the like this year, buíochas le Dia. This gives us the chance to take stock and revisit the real meaning of St Patrick’s Day, which in my view should be more about prayer, contemplation and sticking it to the Brits. I’m thinking of holding a mass, as gaeilge, at an ambush site in West Cork. Would you like to be a minister of the eucharist, tell me?
- Fr Phelim, The Rectory.

You’d have to hear my confession first and honestly, who has the time? I rang my mother there, she’s had the vaccine, I said you must be dying to get back to mass, for the holy spirit. She said, you mean they’re serving gin? I said, there’s no harm in asking.

C’mere, what’s the story with getting on Oprah Winfrey? I was glued to the whole Harry and Meghan thing there during the week, it was either that or think about Liverpool and I’d be losing the will there like. Anyway, I was watching her interviewing the two of them and thought, what’s with the long face, Oprah? Instead of talking to a lad whose Mam owns a whole country, you’d swear she was listening to someone talking about growing up in Killarney. As I said to Budgie, there are worse things in life than having to live in a 14 million dollar gaff in California. He said, Donie boy, if it’s sob stories she’s looking for, why don’t you go on and tell her about growing up as a Norry in Cork, second class citizen like. So, do you have a number for Oprah?
– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I think you’re being a bit harsh on Harry, he’s been through a lot. There’s been a lot of talk about skin colour, but imagine trying to live in southern California with his foxy face. #Sunburn. And whatever name you might use for Prince Andrew, imagine if you had to call him uncle.

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