Ask Audrey: What do you get if you cross a badger with a Kerry woman?

"As you’d imagine with someone from Kinsale, she do be well into the sexual experimentation"
Ask Audrey: What do you get if you cross a badger with a Kerry woman?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. What do you get if you cross a badger with a Kerry woman? Me. Because that’s what I look like these days with my hair, like someone sitting in the front row of a fashion show in Listowel, ‘oh God, Mairead isn’t your hair gorgeous’ they’d a be saying because they don’t know any better, God help them. Anyway, I was watching the news there during the week and didn’t I see that they are bumping certain categories up the vaccine queue and didn’t that make me think, feck the teachers and the guards, give the vaccine to the hairdressers so that people like myself with healthy sexual urges can get back out there looking for a man without frightening the life out of him with our shocking hairdos. Am I mad, tell me?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend became a hairdresser even though she had the points for medicine. (Cash business. Nice one.) I said, you must be dying to reopen. She said, I’m dreading it, just imagine the conversation. “Going anywhere nice on your holidays?” “Nah girl, just Ireland.” #Bawling.

It’s getting hopeful on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Want Their Kids to Stay in School Until 7pm. Fifi_NewTesla said she reads The Guardian because she’s better than other people and they said on there that the Brits are thinking of lengthening the school day so the kids can catch up after lockdown. Kiera_IlookLikeDuaLipa said it’s amazing the way the Brits were as stupid as Carrigaline last year and now they’re having all the best ideas. Laura_2NewTeslas said she wouldn’t mind a threesome with Boris Johnson, which was a bit random. I don’t want people to think I hate my kids, but is there any chance they might open the schools on a Saturday when they go back, to catch up like?
— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My sister is a teacher, she gets the complete mads when I suggest that they have loads of hidden benefits. I said , if the Department asked ye to work on a Saturday, what would be your reply? She said, níl. I said, why did you answer in Irish? She said, we get a One4all voucher for every sentence as Gaeilge — say nothing.

Ciao. I appreciate that this latest lockdown has been a nightmare for many groups, but spare a thought for beautiful Italian guys who feel inadequate if they have less than five girlfriends. I am down to two in these sad, sad times. I carried out an exit interview with five of my girlfriends when they brought things to an end — it turns out they only went out with me to make their ex-boyfriends jealous in Crane Lane. People, they are so shallow, no? My mother rang today and said that news of my only-two-girlfriend shame has filtered back to my home town and they are thinking of taking down the ‘Beautiful Stud’ statue of me in the piazza outside my home. I suppose what I am trying to say is, you have the most beautiful eyes and so does your friend. How about a date?
— Marco, Ovens and Bologna.

I’m good for Italians at the moment, but I passed on your deets to my friend Straight Talking Sue. She said, no way, I’ve been burned by an Italian in the past. I said, did he sit you up on top of the pizza oven while ye were doing the business? She said, how did you know? #AllBeenThere

C’mere what’s the story with yoga? I do be seeing this one from Kinsale at the moment, we met on this app called Datin’ Outside of Ya Social Class — it do pair off nobby wans with salt of the earth Norries like myself. As you’d imagine with someone from Kinsale, she do be well into the sexual experimentation, and you’d nearly need to be an elastic band to get into some of the positions that she do be suggesting. I’m keen to keep it going with her — she do have an amazing hot tub — so I started doing yoga online for the flexibility. The only problem now is the lads — if I tell my friends I’m doing yoga, they’ll think I’ve gone completely southside. What would you recommend?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin has started a podcast teaching people how to break awkward news to their friends. I said, what’s it called? She said, ‘Don’t Worry, They Probably Think You’re a Langer Already.’ #Supportive.

Hello old stock. I’m writing to you on behalf of Beautifully Spoken Millionaires with Giant Mansions on the Blackrock Road. Being able to travel 5km in any direction from our homes is wasted on us, because there is no way we’d ever go to the northside. Therefore we demand that we should be allowed to travel 10 km in a southerly direction from our impeccable homes. Can you check with a lawyer if we have a case?
— Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I just checked there in Google Maps. The good news is the extra distance puts two places within reach. The bad news is one of them is Carrigaline. The worse news is it’s the better of the two places you can reach. Unless I’ve missed some hidden gem in Passage West. Which I haven’t.

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