Ask Audrey: 'When I moved back to Cork from Dublin, people treated me like I was some kind of septic snob'

Sorting out Cork people for ages...
Ask Audrey: 'When I moved back to Cork from Dublin, people treated me like I was some kind of septic snob'

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It’s a message a minute on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Can Afford the New 500 Euro Fine. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover started it all when she sent a photo of the Guard who stopped her on the way down to Barley Cove and on the way back and gave her a fine and his phone number and they’re going to meet for a bit of the old rumpy pumpy in Curraghbinny Woods. Orla_TwoWhiteRangeRovers said her Ken lost his lust during lockdown and she is currently messaging two Guards who stopped her on the way to Garryvoe, so we banned her from the group, because there’s no need for Garryvoe. I have my eye on the guard on the way into Tramore Valley Park but he keeps waving me on, as if I’m only from Bishopstown. How can I get him to stop me? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked for her input. She said she was going out with a dumpy little inspector once with savage halitosis. I said, why? She said, it was either that or pay the speeding fines.

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy snuck off for a bit of skiing last week, I won’t tell you where, not that you could afford it anyway, given you only live in Ballinlough. Anyway, got a WhatsApp message this morning from Duckie Prendergast, a video clip from RTE showing a bunch of people coming out the arrivals gate in Dublin Airport, and there’s Hoggy and myself in the middle of them, langers drunk, sure what else would you do on a flight? The problem is that the report said these were people coming off a flight from Lanzarote and the WhatsApp groups on the Blackrock Road are on fire with the news that Hoggy and myself went to the Canary Islands. Duckie told me he has already tabled a motion to have our photos taken down from the Wall of Legends in the yacht club, the langer. How can I let people know that I’ve never been to Lanzarote? 

— Reggie, Blackrock Road

Lanzarote isn’t that bad! Although the last time I was there I remember saying to my Conor that I can’t wait to get back to Leeside. He said, what’s wrong with Lanzarote? I said, it would be nice to meet someone who isn’t from Cork.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here, I’m back home in Ballydesmond. I finally said ‘bad cess to you’ to my boyfriend up in Bishopstown, and him treating me like a slave looking after his kids and then his every perverted need once they went to bed, the dirty so and so. I’m back home now and I never thought I’d say it, but people from the Cork-Kerry border are about as civilised as something you’d see floating on top of a pond. I went in to the shop yesterday to buy the Examiner and didn’t the woman behind the counter say, sorry Rosealeen we don’t stock the ‘ the Gar r -gin newspaper’ here for intellectuals like yourself with your taste for the city life, I nearly leapt in over the counter at her. So like, how can I persuade them I’m still just Rosealeen from Ballydesmond?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I know your pain. When I moved back to Cork from Dublin people treated me like I was some kind of septic snob. I kept saying to them, but I was like that before I left Cork!

Guten Tag. What is the story with you Irish and the gargle? I have been living here now for three years and have successfully knocked two years off my life expectancy because it was either that or be treated like a crazy man at work because I didn’t drink around the clock at the weekends. However, I have decided to go off the drink until the end of lockdown because the hangovers give me the blues, but my lovely girlfriend from Ovens is threatening to stage an intervention, she said there is something wrong with you if you don’t add a splash of gin to your porridge these days , because the weather outside is frightful. Who has the problem here?

—  Jurgen, Ballincollig and Berlin.

My cousin is an expert in substance abuse, specialising in prosecco and glue, but enough about her hen party . I told her your story and said who has the problem here? She said, Jurgen. I said, why? She said, because his girlfriend is from Ovens. ( Look, a t least it isn’t Kilumney.)

C’mere, what’s the story with changing your old doll for a new one during lockdown? My old doll don’t watch stuff with subtitles so we’re stuck watching gammy period dramas like Bridgerton while my bud Budgie is banging on about insane Italian crime dramas that are unfortunately off limits for Dowcha Donie. So like, what’s the best way to find an old doll that do have no problem with subtitles.

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

It’s tricky because Tinder is full of liars. (Trust me on that one.) Here’s a suggestion if you want to find someone to watch an Italian show — get off with an Italian. Trust me, you’ll never look back, unless it’s to check if that really is your husband sitting over there in a parked car, which it was once actually and it cost me a fortune in relationship counselling.

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