Ask Audrey: C’mere, is there any chance we could get an American president from Cork?

Sorting out Cork people for ages.
Ask Audrey: C’mere, is there any chance we could get an American president from Cork?

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Things are getting hot and sticky on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Wouldn’t Mind Being Locked up in a Hotel Room with a Hot Tennis Star. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said anything would be better than helping Hugo learn Irish at home, particularly because Alexa doesn’t seem to have a clue about the modh coinníollach. 

(Alexa is her German au pair - Google Home hasn’t been able to help either.) 

Laura_2GrandDryRobe said she’s traumatised because watching well-toned stunners confined to a 5-star hotel with shite food reminded her of her staycation in Kerry last summer . I was actually quite good at tennis before my kids wrecked my life, do you think I could get on the pro tour ASAP because to be honest, I’m getting sick of the Douglas Road? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and told her about your idea. She said it’s an absolute non-runner if she she ever wants to be taken seriously at the top table in Cork society. I said, why? She said, because tennis is just a consolation sport for people who couldn’t afford Scoil Mhuire. #HockeyAllTheWay

Hello it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. If I had to give one bit of advice to the young people coming up, it would be never move in with a Guard from Bishopstown that you met on Tinder. Here is my average day. 

Get up at 8 am and iron his uniform. 9 am: Start 6 hours of h ome-school for his kids from an other relationship, who are sound out G od bless them, but it’s hard to help a child with long division when they are the spitting image of a love rival who spends her days doing Jillian Michaels workouts, and it shows, G od blast her. 6:30 pm. Give your man his dinner when he gets home and help with bed time. 10 pm: R ole-play as a teacher in a nun’s outfit because doesn’t he have a fetish for that carry on, the dirty pervert

Do you think there is a union I could join, maybe? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond and Bishopstown.

Try the INTO, they seem to be able to do what they like. My Conor started making eyes at me last night and said, I love imagining you as a teacher. I said, is it the discipline? He said it’s more the holidays, you’d save us a fortune on childcare during the summer? #SexyNotSexy

C’mere, is there any chance we could get an American president from Cork? Like, I nearly got a fit of the gawks during the week listening to all these gomeys up in Ballina banging on about their town being the birthplace of Joe Biden’s ancestors. Sorry now like, but Mayo is just Galway without the Irish speakers and the bongos. 

It’s a dose having to watch all these not-Cork counties having a hooley because one of their own managed to escape from there back in the day and emigrate to America. Like, ye must have nothing to boast about. But still, it would be nice if Cork could do it as well, do you know that kind of a way. So like, is there any way of telling if a U.S. politician has relations in Cork? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My cousin follows US politics on Twitter because he struggles to form lasting relationships in the real world. I said to him, what’s the story with Biden. He said, he’s Irish until he bombs his first village in Syria, after that he’s from Mayo. #ItsAllLocal

Hey dude, so I’m back living in my old man’s 4 million euro Bond Villain mansion in Ballintemple, because now isn’t a great time to be a thought leader in foraged mushrooms and enchanted crystals that I flog to bored housewives at a Farmer’s Market with a southsiders only rule. 

My sister is giving me beenie money to do the home-schooling for her little guy Thor, and like, all his Irish audio books are done in a Donegal accent, it’s like listening to a guy with a slow puncture, but the chicks dig it, ya feelin’ me? So I’m thinking, there is this Gaeilgeoir bird I know from tantric drumming, she’d be all about the Ed if I spoke Donegal Irish – so how do I learn some without todally driving up there? 

- Ed, Ballintemple

My ex is from Donegal, I only went out with him for the accent. I rang him there and said what’s the key to learning Donegal Irish? He said, an obsession with the letters t,s,c and h. Go hoon-titch!

The blessings of the saints of all Killarney on ye rifle-toting Irish rebels marching on the road to freedom. Isn’t it the way that God Bless America is no place for proud white Irish freedom lovers like myself now that President Trump is gone, so I’m planning to move back to the old country and me ancestors from out west of Dripsey. 

My only fear now is I’ll get there and it will be full of filthy liberals, so I have to check before I go – is Dripsey woke? 

- Clem O'Neill-O'Neill III Jnr, Denver.

Thank God for travel bans. I got on the phone this morning, rang my cousin from Coachford and said, is Dripsey woke yet? She said, not a chance, that crowd wouldn’t stir out of bed before 9:30. #MidCork #SteerClear

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