Ask Audrey: 'Could you make sure that southsiders get their Covid-19 test on the southside?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages ..
Ask Audrey: 'Could you make sure that southsiders get their Covid-19 test on the southside?'

Hello it’s Rosealeen from Ballydesmond. Things with my new boyfriend in Bishopstown are flying like a Millstreet Man on Magic Mushrooms. The only problem is one of his new year’s resolutions is to get ‘with it’ as he says himself, and hasn’t he started communicating with me via WhatsApp voice messages. I clicked on one the other day when I was in Dunnes and wasn’t it him going ‘what are you wearing?’, the randy old goat, and next thing I hear ‘something she got in a charity bag’ out of some roaring bitch behind me from the Model Farm Road no doubt. I tried to ring him there and then, to bring a stop to this madness, but didn’t he refuse to answer because it wasn’t a voice message on WhatsApp. I don’t mind being ‘with it’ – didn’t I get a credit card last week – but this is madness. How can I get him to stop?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond and Bishopstown.

I rang my Posh Cousin there to ask her if phone calls are considered common now. She didn’t answer. #ThatsAYes

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Will be Deva if Their Child Doesn’t Learn Chinese Before the Age of 4. Laura_WhiteRangeRover said the eight grand she spent to get her two kids privately home-schooled via Zoom during lockdown is the best money she ever spent – it’s just a shame her Ken refused to spend the extra thousand to guarantee a hot Italian tutor in his 20s. Fifi_Bubble&Giggles said her package cost 11 grand, that includes a hot tutor AND they teach them how to speak like Prince Harry, in case they want to do a podcast that talks down to the lower orders. I feel like a fool for actually home-schooling my own two – do you know the most expensive package out there so I can humiliate the other Stunners?
— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My niece Diana is a teacher, even though she had the points for medicine. What would you say to someone looking for a private tutor for home-schooling? She said, no, you’re not getting a receipt!! #Taxy-Dodgy

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy were drinking in our pub Old Stocks last night, lights off, no problem, there’s no Covid-risk meeting Hoggy, sure I’ve known him since we were in Pres. Anyway, Duckie Prendergast snuck in – Pres again, no problem – and told us what happened to him. He felt an old tickle in the back of the throat yesterday morning and decided he better ring his GP, the top doctor in the city, who told him he had to do a test. Well, didn’t he get a text 30 minutes later inviting him to a Covid test centre in Blackpool! This is an insult – Duckie doesn’t pay his taxes just to get his test on the northside. (Actually he doesn’t pay his taxes at all but that’s another conversation.) Anyway, you seem to know people in low places - could you have a word and make sure that southsiders can get their test on the southside.
— Reggie, 4.8 million euro mansion, Blackrock Road

I sent a WhatsApp voice message to the Posh Cousin there, she came back and said you think that’s bad, my Ken is refusing to get his NCT done in Little Island or Blarney. I said why? She said, there’s no way he’s handing the keys of his Range Rover over to someone on the northside. #GoodPoint

C’mere, what’s the story with all these Man United gowls crawling out of the woodwork. It was grand there for the last few years when they were nearly worse than Kerry at hurling, but all of a sudden they’re top of the league now going into the crunch tie with Liverpool and I have to put up with WhatsApp voice messages from gomey langers taunting me about being a scutty Scouser even though I’ve lived in Blackpool all me life, like. I only started following the Reds to make a play for my current old doll because she had it bad for Stevie Gerrard. And now, my life won’t be worth living if Man United go on to win the league, with all the gomey langers and that. So as a precautionary measure, who should I contact if I needed to disappear in a hurry?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My uncle is a well known estate agent so he’s had reason to disappear every now and again. I said, where do you go when you don’t want to be followed. He said, Coachford. I said, why? He said, you’ve obviously never been to Coachford.

Guten Tag. I am planning a trip back to Germany to get my hands on a rare Krautrock vinyl album from 1976. The problem is I need a negative test to get into Germany from Ireland because you are hopping with the Covid. Would it be immoral to ring the doctor and pretend to feel unwell to get a free test, because the private places are charging an arm and a leg?
-— Jurgen, Ballincollig and Berlin.

Would it be wrong to fake illness in order to get a negative result for free? Yes. Will everyone steal your idea so they can shave 140 quid off their weekend in Palma once the planes start flying again? Yes. Totes yes.

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