- Hello old stock. I presume it’s a war-zone above in Cork, with all the people who didn’t have the wherewithal to abandon ship and decamp to their enormous holiday homes in Glandore for the next six weeks.
It was like Casablanca on the Blackrock Road on Wednesday, the Nazis approaching the edge of Paris, all of us piling into our limited-edition Range Rovers to escape before the 5k restrictions came in an we ended up trapped in the city with all the Norries. (I’m not comparing the Nazis to the Northsiders. That wouldn’t be fair. To the Nazis. Says you.)
The only problem is we’re down here now and there just aren’t enough servants to go around. Bunty Harrington’s gaff ended up getting flooded because his old doll couldn’t figure out how to work the washing machine. Do you know is there anywhere we could hire some help?
I asked my Posh Cousin how she finds her staff. She said, I usually start down by the swimming pool, that’s where they go to bitch about the way I get them to curtsy when I walk into the room. #Notions.
- It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Want You in Their Social Bubble.
When I messaged Cliona_2SonsInPres and asked her if she’d like to form a bubble with me for the next six weeks, she replied ‘Too late hon, FiFi_WhiteRangeRover asked first, no saying no to her, she has a hot-tub you can see from space.’
Then I tried Erica_CalifornianAccent and she said ‘Soz babes, holding out for Cliona_RichesBitches, infinity pool in her pad, like todally wow.’ I paniced and tried Fiona_SuprisinglyModest even though her mother lives in Ballyphehane, but her reply was ‘Soz girl, bubbled up with Sonya_CorksNigellaLawson because she’s the only one of us who knows how to cook.’
So, is there an app where I can find a bubble buddy until December, no Norries or culchies please?
Remember when a bubble buddy was someone who’d take a naked photo of herself in the fountain on Grand Parade after helping you polish off a magnum of champagne. Great times. I hear the HSE are bringing out an app to help people find a bubble.
It operates for two weeks and then you get a text message saying it’s over-loaded so please do the work yourself. #ContactTracings.
- Guten tag. I am seeing this very kinky woman from Kanturk who has a fetish for Bond villains. All I have to do is stroke her pussy and say ‘ve meet again’ in my German accent and she is shouting ‘oh lads, oh lads, stop the lights’ in a fit of sexual ecstasy. (It is her cat called Mintal Altogether that I am stroking, before you fire off an email of complaint to the Bishop.)
Anyway, I have developed feelings for her and would like to do something more romantic than tying her to the bed and pretending to cut her in two with my huge laser. (This is not a double entendre, so again I say, relax the kaks with the Bishop emails.)
Do you know, where would be a good place for us to have a date, in these strange time?
Level 5 is tricky alright. My Conor came in last night and said I’d love to do romantic. I said, so would I, but it’s not a runner now they’ve stopped sending you out of town on business. (We’re back in counselling. Zoom.)
- Hello, it’s Rosealeen here again from the lucky side of the Cork-Kerry border in Ballydesmond. Didn’t I get a text from my boyfriend on the Kerry side last night saying that he’d tested positive for the auld Covid, I should go and get a test myself, and we’d need to keep away from each other for 14 days, like.
Didn’t I ring him there and then and say, ‘You must think I’m as thick as the man from Kenmare, sure it’s the HSE’s job to get in touch with contacts, I suppose your bit of meat is there with you now, laughing down her angular Kerry nose at me.’
Didn’t he rear up at me and say, ‘Yerra, yerra, you’re mad even by Cork standards it’s on the news and everything’ and he hung up and I miss him so much because he can do this thing with his tongue. So, like, is he spinning a yarn about texting your contacts?
It’s true. The Posh Cousin said, imagine going through your phone contacts to let people know they have been exposed to a contagious disease. I said, that happened to me all the time in college. #Itchy.
- C’mere, what’s the story with the Marina? Half of Cork is going to be down there now for the next six weeks because of the 5 kilometre thing.
I won’t be able to enjoy me stroll if I have to share it with some gomey from Ballintemple called Giles on an electric skateboard. So like, can there be a set time for Norries like me?
Bad news. The Committee for a Posher Cork has just proposed a Level 6 for the city. I said, how many extra measures has that got over level 5? They said just one – no crossing rivers, ye stinky Norries. (They actually put that in the document.)