Ask Audrey: My wife wants me to shift her in public, to show we're still an item

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

• Hello old stock. Awkward times here in my €4.5 million mansion on the Blackrock Road. A photo emerged last week  showing me riding around Douglas on a motor-bike with a very open-minded brunette from Seville. This is hugely embarrassing for the whole family, because Douglas is well down the social scale for someone like myself. My wife Marjorie said she wants me to do a Dominic West, whatever that is, and shift her in public to show that we’re still an item. I said, do you want me to feel you up as well and she said no, we’ll stick with tongues. The problem now is my new ‘friend’ from Seville is the jealous type, you know the Latins, fiery. So, how can I persuade her that snogging Marjorie in public doesn’t mean anything?
  — Reggie, Blackrock

It’s a tricky one alright. My Conor found out about myself and Paulo and insisted on a bit of public shifting, so I got off with Paulo’s hotter brother Marco on the Grand Parade an I honestly think it made things worse

• Hello, Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I wrote in to you last week about my boyfriend on the Kerry side of the border, who is using Level 3 restrictions as an excuse to stay put, when he should be over here giving me a bit of the old love action. I rang him last night and said, why don’t you put on a clean shirt and clean the shite from under your fingernails and people will think you’re from Cork. Over he came anyway, I put on a bit of Tommy Fleming to get me in the mood, and pretended to be Mary Kennedy to get him in the mood, when suddenly he stood up and announced he had performance anxiety due to the stress of old coronavirus. Is this just more of it now, because he has some class of a Jezebel girlfriend back in Kerry, tell me?
  —Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I haven’t heard the word Jezebel since I arrived home from my Debs in a Pres jersey. My friend is a Sex Counsellor, we call her Dirty Denise. I said, how do you deal with a guy with performance issues? She said, I swipe left. #Harsh

• It’s furious this week on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Get the Stink Eye from Tree Huggers. Laura_3Litre SUV said the gas guzzler tax in the budget is an assault on beautifully spoken hot blonde women, as far as she can see. FiFi_ITotesBlankNorries asked what’s the country coming to when I have to take orders from Smugtastic Dan Boyle Superfans on Electric Bikes, that’s her name for the Greens. We’re just about to order our 211 C gas guzzler in my house, so I messaged my husband Ken there for an update and he said no spending, has it escaped your notice I own a chain of bars? So like, will he still have to give me the money if we get a quickie divorce?
  — Jenni, Douglas Road.

It’s the questions on everyone’s lips. I rang the Posh Cousin there and said what does driving new a gas guzzler around Cork say about you now? She replied, it says, ‘ I didn’t even notice that the price went up. P.S. Take that, ye polar bears.’

• Now listen up Paddy. I’m just back from a meeting of the British Establishment where we dressed up as Queen Elizabeth the First, drank three bottle s of claret each and listened to a very witty talk about the colonies by Gerald of Norwich titled, ‘The Blasted Locals Never Thanked Us for Teaching Them How to Speak English’. Anyway, some Scottish fellow , we all called him Jock, told us that the pasty-faced pondlife north of the border are rather keen to on independence from London , what with all the Brexit and dying from the Chinese thing. As a result, we will shortly have a vacancy in the UK. Would you Irish like to rejoin, it’s free for the first six months?
  — Lord Edmund D’Servant Shagger, London and unfortunately large amounts of Kilkenny

My ex is a fierce Republican, that’s why he’s my ex. (I thought the balaclava was just for our role-play, but no.) I said, what would it take for you to go back into the United Kingdom. He said, I’d need to hear an apology for trying to nick Saoirse Ronan. I said, is that all? He said, attempting to pronounce her name would make Boris Johnson look like a clown on the world stage. I said, it’s not like he needs any help!

• I’m in a WhatsApp group called Sunday’s Well Men Who Want to Show you Their Latest Sourdough. Myself and some of the lads from hockey started it as a joke back in March, but I think it might be getting out of hand for me now. I find myself staring at photos of sourdough loaves late into the night, using incognito mode in my browser in case anyone sees my history. Do you think I should seek help?
  — Paul, Sunday’s Well, money no object.

My Conor tried sourdough for a few weeks in April. I said, why did you stop baking the bread? He said, I had real trouble getting it to rise. I said nothing, because of the no-more-gags letter sent by solicitors for Erectile Dysfunction Ireland.