Ask Audrey: 'What’s the point in being rich if you can’t tell politicians what to do?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: 'What’s the point in being rich if you can’t tell politicians what to do?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’S getting a bit sweaty on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe We Got Invited to Emer Cronin-Buckley’s Wedding. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said the only explanation is that she’s trying to increase the average income per guest ratio because most of her actual friends only went to Christ The King. 

Kiera_4TheBirds said don’t mind that, I can’t believe she managed to land a 1 per-center from Sundays Well, particularly after it emerged that her aunt has a mobile home in Owenahincha, #BallyphehaneOnSea. Lorna_YurtInCastleGregoryy said focus, babes, the real question here is how much do you spend on a dress for a wedding in 2021? We banned her from the group for six weeks, coz, come on, Castlegregory is barely one step above Ballybunion. But she has a point, Audrey. 

The last thing I want is to turn up at Emer Cronin-Buckley’s bash in a dress that screams ‘down to her last 200 grand.’ But I don’t want to flaunt my wealth either in case people think I’m from Glanmire. So, how much should I splash out for the dress?

– Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said what’s the going rate for a wedding outfit in Posh Cork? She said, 25 grand. I said, that’s a disgrace. She said, I know, we’re keeping it below 30 grand this year because #AllInThisTogether.

Hello old stock. I’ve just come from a very angry meeting of Blackrock Road Residents Against Low Standards. The sight of protesting fisherman sailing their boats up the River Lee on Wednesday is the last straw for a lot of beautifully spoken millionaires who have back gardens worth more than a housing estate in Carrigtwohill. It’s bad enough that our own walkway, The Marina, was opened up to all sorts of gougers last summer and with all the sportswear on view there now, you’d swear there was a match on in Pairc Ui Chaoimh. 

But now we to have to put up with people sailing past our back gardens in something other than a 50 foot yacht. Now, we wish the fisherman well obviously, and hope their industry is given a leg up. But what’s the point in being rich if you can’t tell politicians what to do. So to that end, the Blackrock Road Residents Against Low Standards have come up with a radical solution — we hereby call on Micheál Martin to re-route the River Lee along by Mahon and through Douglas into town. Can you pass the message on to him?

– Reggie, Blackrock Road, tell him to move The Marina as well.

No need, Reggie. Your problem is the fishermen wanted to pass a message on to the Taoiseach, who happens to be from Cork. So I rang my Fianna Fáil TD there and said, c’mere, what would it take to get Micheál Martin out of office. She said, three months at the rate he’s going.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. Didn’t I get a phone call from a Russian lad the other night and him saying, hello Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, see here from your medical records on the dark web that you have a leaky bladder, would you be interested in corrective surgery for 300 euro, I can slot you in for Thursday week. 

I said it’s a while since a foreigner with a sexy accent said he’d like to slot me in, says you, but you must think I’m as thick as the brightest person in Scartaglin if you reckon I’m going to fall for that carry-on. But before you go, says I to him, can you see any other records for people from Ballydesmond and the surrounding countryside? He said, I can but it will cost you and didn’t I pay 50 euro to hear that Berna is having an awful time with her piles. 

I’m tormenting him now every night, ringing up and paying up to find out about my neighbours' ailments? I think I might have a problem — do you think I should go into Rehab, tell me?

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

One of the hackers rang me the other night and offered me a new set of boobs. I said, c’mere, how did ye get into the system? He said, we use military-grade artificial intelligence algorithm to crack password. I said, what was it? He said, HSE123.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where we all dressed up as Boris Johnson and said ‘Inject me with Covid on live TV, what could possibly go wrong?’ (Boris did this as well, it was extremely good fun.) 

Anyway, it was agreed that voting for Brexit was a really terrible idea after all and that’s the last time we’ll listen to 53-year-old racists from Grimsby. So, I’ve been asked to make an approach to your man Coveney with the following question – what is the procedure for joining Eire?

– Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, Wiltshire, and half the bloody Caribbean. (PS – Sorry again about the famine.)

I rang the Department of Foreign Affairs there and said I’ve been approached by a country that wants to join up with the Republic. The guy said, we’re open to that actually but there is one country we never want to join up with. I said, Belarus? He said, no, Northern Ireland.

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