Ask Audrey: 'How do you get people from Kerry to stop talking about Kerry?'

Fri, 14 May, 2021 - 07:00

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it the way that my phone number is one digit off the number of a local hairdresser, with the result that the fecking thing is hopping all day with fat-fingered eejits from Scartaglin looking for an appointment and roaring crying down the line at me because their hair is a fright?

I was rude the first few times because you only have to give one ounce of encouragement to a Kerry person and they’ll think they have a friend for life, ringing you up looking for sca and the like. But then I said, cop yourself on Rosealeen, you’re as thick as the man from Millstreet, passing up a business opportunity. So didn’t I start saying, give me your address there and I’ll call out to give you a quick cut. I was worried I’d make a hames of it, but it looks like I have the knack, and aren’t they referring me to friends all over the Kingdom, the savages.

The only problem is every time I ask if they’re going anywhere nice for their holidays, they say, why would you want to go on holidays when you live in Kerry? So, do you have any idea how to get people from Kerry to stop talking about the fact that they’re from Kerry, tell me?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend moved to Tralee after things went badly wrong in a game of Truth or Dare. I said, how do you get people from Kerry to stop talking about Kerry. She said, bring up Gaelic football. #Harsh

It’s hesitant this week on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Want To Be The First To Admit They Went To Penneys. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she couldn’t see the attraction of being trapped inside THAT SHOP with 39 other people who see nothing wrong in buying a pair of jeans for less than €500.

Clodagh_IncredibleDNA said that’s funny Fifi, because I have it on good authority that you were in the first group of 40 that went in there Monday morning. Fifi was straight back with you’ll be hearing from my solicitor, without a smiley face in sight. Orla_The SwottyOne said I actually AM your solicitor Fifi, and we have you on CCTV, so my advice is to let it rest, and maybe move to Ballinlough while you’re at it. She then called for Fifi’s handle to be changed to Fifi_TheCompleteNorrie, and it was passed unanimously, even Fifi voted for it, she knows she did wrong.

The thing is, we’ve all actually been in Penneys this week in a decent disguise, say nothing, and it was amazing having so few people in there. Can you ask Penneys if they’d do appointment shopping more often, with special nights for Cork’s crème de la crème?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I asked the Posh Cousin if she’d go to an invite-only night in Penneys and she said, absolutely. I said, would you not miss the usual thing of wrestling with some random stranger over a pair of knickers? She said, that reminds me of a party I went to in Kinsale.

Hey dude, Ed here. It’s not easy being born into a life of privilege and incredible wealth down in Ballintemple. On the one hand I’m dying to tell people that my old man gave me a whole estate of houses in Blarney for my 30th birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to create a ‘Steer Clear of Ed’ vibe because this Brazilian babe in my samba band who looks like Dua Lipa is a total communist and I’m lining up a ‘let’s go for a todally chilled drink’ invite when we get back to practice.

My main man, Bryan with a Y, said I should boost my todally communist credentials by giving away one of the houses to a deserving Norrie but I said, don’t be ridiculous, Bryan with a Y, there’s no such thing. So now I’m thinking maybe I should just offer the house to the Brazilian. Do you think a commie from Rio de Janeiro would be cool with a free house?

- Ed, Ballintemple

My niece is a life-long socialist because she LOVES spending other people’s money. I brought her up to speed with your quandary and said, would a communist say yes to this? She said no, it’s an insult. I said, asking them to compromise their principles? She said no, asking them to live in Blarney. #SmokedSalmon

C’mere, are Cork going to win the All-Ireland? I’m talking about the hurling now, not football, that’s just for the cousin-marryers who live down in West Cork. The hurlers were fierce convincing there last weekend, even though it was only against those gomies from Waterford.

Obviously I’ve been a mad Cork fan all my life, and I’d go to all the matches, as long as they’re winning. I’m half considering buying the new jersey, but I don’t want to be stuck with the thing either if they get knocked out in a quarter- final by knuckle-draggers from Clare. So, are they going to win or what lah?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I rang my GAA-mad friend there, No Fault Froggy Boy. I said, what would you say to Cork hurling fans this year. He said, be careful you don’t end up hurt. I said, by disappointment. He said, no, from jumping on the bandwagon when they win. #FairWeatherRebels