Sex advice with Suzi Godson: My daring wife wants to film us in bed

The sex you have in your head is always aesthetically perfect. Turn a camera on it and that illusion shatters instantly, says Suzi Godson.

Q. My wife and I are in our 30s. We’ve always had an adventurous sex life, but she is a little more daring than I am. 

Recently she suggested that we film ourselves. I feel far too self-conscious for this, but I want to make her happy. What can I do?

A. It used to be the case that making a domestic sex tape involved a lot more planning than it does now. 

In the past decade the proliferation of cameraphones means anyone can make a DIY film and, as a result, the amateur porn market has exploded. 

In fact, it dominates internet porn to such an extent that professional studios imitate the amateur aesthetic.

There is, of course, a big difference between amateur films that have the benefit of good lighting on a professional set and the stuff that gets made on an iPhone in the average ) bedroom. 

People make intimate films because it is a thrill, not because it makes the sex better. Filmed sex always requires an element of “performance”, so it tends to lead to more inventive sex, but experimentation generally happens at the expense of intimacy. 

It is, after all, difficult to sustain an emotional connection when half your brain is working out whether you are in the frame and the other half is telling your stomach muscles to stay taut.

In my experience, the sex you have in your head is always aesthetically perfect. Turn a camera on it and that illusion shatters instantly. 

You and your wife may naturally look phenomenal on camera, but I’m not even talking about how you look — I’m talking about moves, angles and expressions.

In the same way that most people hate how their voices sound when recorded, most people won’t enjoy how they look on camera, whether the video is intimate or not.

Your reasons for not wanting to film yourself having sex seem pretty straightforward, but have you thought to ask your wife what it is that she hopes to get from the experience? 

It may be something that she has always wanted to do and for the first time she feels comfortable asking, because you are in a secure, loving relationship. 

If this is the case, there is no reason why you couldn’t facilitate her exhibitionism by offering to film her during solo sex. 

This would satisfy her desire to show off, and playing cameraman might be fun for you — it may also be a sensual thing to do together and you may end up wanting to join in.

You can also, with a bit of skill, edit it so that it shows just your bodies rather than your faces, and with dim lighting and a tangle of sheets preserving your modesty it would make it more elegant than explicit. 

With clever angles and judicious editing it is possible to preserve anonymity and give your films a more interesting aesthetic — however, you’ll still have to work out what to do with the recording afterwards.

For some couples the thrill is in the performance, so they watch the footage once before deleting it. Others store the footage, on the understanding that it will be destroyed if they split. 

The number of celebrity sex tapes that find their way into the public eye illustrates how hard it is to retain control over these things if the parameters of the relationship change.

Whatever you decide to do, the one essential piece of advice that I have for you is: Don’t keep personal sex videos on a mobile, iPad or laptop.

Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com 


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