Sex advice with Suzi Godson: Boyfriend is lasting long beyond a normal threshold

Suzi Godson gives her advice on delayed ejaculation

My boyfriend lasts far too long in bed. Most of my friends have the opposite problem and say I should count myself lucky. However, often I am uncomfortable, and feel exhausted by sex.

Male climax time ranges from premature ejaculation at one end, ‘normal’ ejaculation in the centre, to delayed at the opposite end.

Although every man is different, the ‘normal’ time is between four and 10 minutes. Therefore, regularly lasting any longer than 10 minutes (rather than deliberately delaying it) means, technically, a man has delayed ejaculation.

Although you probably haven’t been looking at your watch during sex, the fact that you get sore suggests that your boyfriend is lasting long beyond a normal or pleasurable threshold.

Delayed ejaculation, which affects about 3% of men, is not well understood because the causes can be psychological, biological or a mixture of both. You don’t say much about your boyfriend, but depression, anxiety, stress and low self-esteem are linked to this issue.

It can be difficult to talk about sex at the best of times, but addressing sexual difficulties is even harder. I doubt that your boyfriend is oblivious to his abnormal ejaculatory pattern and he may be glad to be given the chance to talk about it.

I’ve come across many cases where addressing the cause alleviates the symptoms, but people often need help to do that. Sex therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy can help, as can mindfulness meditation.

Hypnosis also can be a helpful addition to therapy. Delayed ejaculation may also indicate an underlying medical condition such as nerve damage from type 1 diabetes, hormonal imbalances or urinary-tract infections. Medication such as anti-depressants, diuretics, beta blockers, or painkillers can also affect ejaculation. It is also related to substance abuse, particularly alcohol.

Idiosyncratic methods of masturbation can also be a cause. Men who get used to vigorous stimulation, or who use a very firm grip, can find it hard to replicate the intensity of the stimulation during sexual intercourse.

However, for some men it comes on out of the blue and if this is the case for your boyfriend, he may be hoping that it will go away of its own accord. That’s unlikely unless he finds out what is causing it. And it could get worse.

Your boyfriend needs to discuss everything with his GP. The prognosis is good; 70% to 80% of men see an improvement once they address the issue. It won’t be resolved overnight, but there are several things you can do to make sex more comfortable in the meantime. First, invest in some really good lubricant.

Uberlube is a silicone one that is so good at reducing friction that it is used by athletes to stop chafing. Any silicone version will last longer than a water-based version, but if you use condoms stick to water-based versions such as YesWB or Liquid Silk. They all cost just under €11.50.

If your boyfriend is open to experimenting with ways to speed up ejaculation, you could also try applying a vibrator to the base of the head of the penis. This increases the level of stimulation for him and if he then waits until he has almost reached the point of no return before he begins to have sex with you, it should help him to have a more timely and less exhausting orgasm.

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