Suzi Godson gives her advice on taking a more dominant role in your sex life.
I want to take a more dominant sex role. I’m in my early 30s and I have a new boyfriend. We’ve been together for six months and have great physical chemistry but I feel that I’m not fully expressing myself sexually.
I like to take a more dominant role in the bedroom, but I’m worried that it will turn him off.
There are plenty of women who like to take a lead when having sex, not least because being sexually assertive often means that you are in control of your own rhythm and pace, and therefore more likely to have an orgasm.
Start by making small changes that allow you to exercise greater control during sex. Instead of opting for missionary, for example, switch to more female-dominant positions. If you are on top, you are in charge, which will encourage him to take a more passive position.
It sounds as if you might be wanting to go a bit farther than simply taking the lead, however. It should go without saying that the golden rule here is communication.
Your boyfriend probably has no idea what is in store for him, and nor can you have any idea how he might react. He may equate submission with emasculation. He may just not like it.
Or he may simply reject the idea because it is a part of your sexual self that you discovered, and exercised, with other men who were not him. People in a new relationship like to believe that they are inventing their own sexual script, not inheriting a legacy from their partner’s past.
However, if he is willing to give it a try, I would advise a tentative approach. I would suggest playing with sensory deprivation, which is generally non-threatening but it requires you to plan — and him to agree. This will introduce a precedent for slightly more advanced preparation, which you can, in the future, build together.
Begin with beautiful blindfolds, preferably made from a luxurious fabric such as satin or velvet, tied loosely.
Not being able to see heightens the other senses and anticipating what you are about to do to him will massively boost his arousal. You can escalate the tension by insisting on complete silence and, if he rebels, you can exercise your authority and gently command him to be quiet.
If he responds positively, you can then judge whether you would both like to progress to more intense play. If you broach the idea and he retreats, you may need to ask yourself how important domination is to your sexual experience.
If you don’t think you can have a relationship without getting those needs met, this may not be the relationship for you.
If, however, your boyfriend responds positively and is willing to explore a new side to your shared sex life, it is time to talk. You need to work out where his boundaries are and how far you want to go. Is this just occasional play or a lifestyle choice?
While there is no way of predicting how your boyfriend will respond, some men find the submissive role liberating because it frees them from personal and societal expectations. Others argue that to be submissive is actually to be in control.
People who take on this role often enjoy the certainty that comes from being the “pursued” as opposed to the “pursuer”.
To be desired is always an attractive proposition but, for men, the submissive role also offers the opportunity to be vulnerable. This requires implicit trust, which can create unprecedented levels of intimacy.
The other notable difference about “submissive-dominant” relationships is that nothing is left to chance. Because boundaries are so important everything is negotiated in advance, which is why communication is paramount.
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