Q.Three months ago I met this great guy at a party.
He pursued me relentlessly — phone calls, flowers, romantic dates — until we had sex. Mission accomplished, he now expects to have sex every time we meet and has lost interest in going out. I feel like I was set up. I am 28-years-old and he is two years older.
A.Think about why you went out with this guy in the first place. On the initial meeting you found him interesting and probably physically attractive. It seems he was equally attracted to you but only as a sexual partner.
Nowadays there is more sexual freedom than ever before. Many young people when they meet have sex fairly quickly.
So what are the rules? Are there any? In some ways this freedom is great but equally it can be frightening. There seems to be, for many, an expectation that sex will happen on a third date. If this is too fast, a woman, or indeed a man, has to feel free to say that they are not ready and may need more time.
You need to empower yourself to talk about your sexual needs. This includes declining sexual advances that you don’t want.
With the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, with any new partner you ought to be sharing sexual histories so that you are practicing safer sex, making the rule that there is no intercourse without a condom.
When you met this man you really enjoyed the pursuit. He was courting you and you felt great. I am sure you had some expectations about this developing into a satisfying relationship. Or you might have just enjoyed the gifts, the phone calls and the dates. It was just fun. But when you started having sex, everything changed. His focus has switched to sex and he no longer shares a social life with you.
Sex with him may have seemed right the first time, but now the experience of pressure to have sex every time you meet has left you disappointed that he only sees you as a sexual object.
You feel manipulated and now you are resentful. It seems he is unaware of your needs and is not tuned into your feelings.
You are the only one who can make the decision whether to continue with this guy. You wanted to develop an intimacy that wasn’t going to revolve around sex.
If feeling exploited this will take away from how you feel about yourself. You deserve better. Take care of yourself and don’t give up on enjoying a relationship that offers connection and intimacy.
Walking away from this man may be the best solution. If you don’t want to do this, you must talk about how you feel and why you can’t continue if he insists on seeing you only as a source of sexual satisfaction.
The conversation may give him the opportunity to reflect on his behaviour and look at why he is pulling back from a potentially rewarding and intimate relationship.
* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.
* Please send your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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