Q: I am a 50-year-old divorced female who fakes her orgasms. I met a nice man last year and it was so wonderful just to be having sex that I sometimes told him that I’d come. He is so pleased with this, I now can’t bear to tell him the truth. What should I do?
A: If it is any consolation, you are not the first woman to make this mistake and you won’t be the last.
Faking it is far more common than anyone is prepared to admit. In fact, according to a US survey by Couples Company, which gives advice and information to heterosexual couples, 81% of women have faked it at some point.
Motivations vary. Occasionally, women fake it as a way of finishing what they wish they had never started. Sometimes they realise that if they don’t get a move on they will miss their deadline or be late for work.
But, more often than not, the reason women fake it, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, is a well-intentioned, if slightly misguided, attempt to be “good in bed”.
When a woman feels that a fledgling attraction has potential, she wants everything to go smoothly, especially during sex. Worried that she may tarnish her sheen if she sounds demanding or seems to respond too slowly, she makes a split-second decision to moan a little white lie, reasoning that things will be different next time. And they often are.
As women become more confident with a partner they find ways to address the sexual issues that prevented them climaxing at the beginning of a relationship. Others, however, never find the courage to be sexually directive. Although they realise that they are not aroused enough to reach an orgasm, they can’t quite bring themselves to ask their partner to slow down, speed up, or change track.
Rather than to admit that they can’t have an orgasm without sufficient foreplay, they allow their unsuspecting partner to carry on believing that two minutes of vaginal intercourse gives them a rip-roaring orgasm and they then find themselves stuck in a trap whereby faking stops being an emergency get-out clause and becomes a silent secret that eats away at their self-esteem.
The longer a woman fakes it the more insurmountable her problem seems to become. Her relationship may be successful in all other aspects but she worries that if she suddenly asks her partner to change his technique he will smell a rat.
Being challenged as a faker doesn’t bear thinking about so she tries to sort things out by herself. She tries really hard to climax but, frustratingly, it never works because the words “try” and “climax” just don’t go together.
Having an orgasm is an involuntary reflex, which means that you can’t orchestrate it. Like pinning down a cloud, the big, juicy, fluffy gorgeousness of it evaporates if you think about it too much. However, although you can’t guarantee an orgasm, you can create the conditions in which one is most likely to occur. And that’s what you need to concentrate on doing.
Assuming that you are aware of what it takes to achieve orgasm (the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, the vaginal passage has an estimated eight), you probably realise that your levels of arousal need to be much higher before penetration occurs.
If the question is how to communicate this without blowing your cover, the answer is simple. Stop thinking about the situation from your perspective and start thinking about it from his. Though you feel fearful and guilt-ridden about faking your orgasms, as far as he is concerned you have both been having great sex for the past year.
His positive view means that efforts to instruct him (disguised as encouragement) will simply be interpreted as growing sexual confidence — you can tell him what you want because he is a responsive lover and you have a great relationship.
Once you get foreplay written in to your script you are on the road to a blockbuster. It won’t happen overnight but stick with it because, if you don’t change the script now, you will be up for an Oscar before you experience an orgasm.
Send your questions to email@example.com
© Irish Examiner Ltd. All rights reserved