Everything heads south sooner or later

Suzi Godson says that sooner or later every other part of your anatomy will head south to keep your scrotum company.

Q. I’m 45 and my scrotum has become extremely droopy. When I make love I’m very self-conscious about them. Is there any way to tighten them?

A. Though you think that your wrinkly, hairy, oldish scrotal sac is a waste of space, it is actually a smart piece of anatomy because it is designed specifically to maintain your testicles at an optimum temperature for sperm production.

If, for example, during a house fire, the temperature of your scrotal sac rose to dangerous levels, a muscle called the cremaster would relax, allowing your testicles to hang loosely, providing them with greater access to cooler air.

If, for example, during a trip to the Arctic, the temperature got dangerously cold, the cremaster muscle would contract and pull your testicles closer to your body to maintain body heat. 

And if said house fire became really serious, or the Arctic climate froze your eyelids off, your scrotal sac would come in really handy because plastic surgeons can use it for skin grafts and to re-create eyelids and foreskins.

The scrotal sac has all sorts of sexual potential, too. 

Most men presume that women are interested only in their penis, but there are plenty of women who find the exquisite form and intriguing texture of those firm little eggs and their soft, slightly hairy home fascinating. 

Also, the rhythmic tap of free-range oeufs is a terrifically pleasant sensation during lovemaking, too. 

The scrote is also a popular accessory during sex —you might want to investigate online in your leisure time.

I understand that during the hot weather excess baggage in that vicinity might be a little sticky.

However, as long as you maintain a reasonable relationship with soap and water, you should be able to sustain an acceptable degree of freshness. 

A flexi-hose shower head will help you to access the wrinkly bits, but make sure that you dry yourself properly as hot damp skin is the perfect breeding gound for skin infections.

For comfort, cotton boxer briefs are your best bet, but if you want to constrain your bits more tightly, the microfibre Puma Bodywear Action Minimal boxer or theHom Flower Push Up Trunk will do the trick ( www.figleaves.com/Mens ). 

At Figleaves you can also buy an eye-catching Diesel Black Logo Microfibre Jock Strap or the even smaller Diesel Jocky Jock Strap.

Lastly, have you considered that your insecurity about your scrotum might mask a deeper concern about getting older.

Nothing gives away a man’s age more than a set of gravity-ravaged low-hangers and, according to the trusty internet, scrotum tucks have replaced penile extensions, butt contouring and pectoral implants as the must-have surgery for the status-conscious Hollywood male. 

However you should think before you shrink.

Tightening the scrote is a relatively minor (relative to open heart surgery) operation, but two hours under a local anaesthetic comes with a relatively big price tag (relative to a nice pair of supportive pants) and, as always, cosmetic correction can cause decreased blood flow and scarring.

With respect, everyone of your age has wobbly bits and not everyone is lucky enough to be able to hide them in their pants. 

Console yourself with the fact that sooner or later every other part of your anatomy, and everyone else’s, will head south to keep your scrotum company.

* Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com


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