Boyfriend's explicit language during sex dampens the passion

People want their partners to enjoy sex and if he believes his chatter impedes your pleasure, he’s likely to stop, says Suzi Godson.

Q. My boyfriend uses explicit language during sex. It’s not necessarily what he says; it’s the way he expresses it which I don’t find appealing. 

He seems so excited by it, but I think I may have to spoil his fun as I don’t like it at all.

A. It is, of course, better to be honest than to try to grin and bear something that turns you off, but it would obviously have been easier if you had confronted the issue sooner.

You now face the difficult task of challenging your boyfriend’s sexual idiosyncrasy which will no doubt embarrass him.

It won’t be an easy conversation to have but you don’t really have a choice.

If you bottle this up, your dislike of his dirty talk will gradually eat away at your sexual connection. You will need to be sensitive, though.

He may feel foolish and humiliated. It is also possible that he has had previous girlfriends who have enjoyed it and encouraged him, so it may be a surprise that a partner may not like it.

However he responds, he will almost certainly ask you what it is that you don’t like about it, and why you didn’t say anything sooner.

Considering how you might answer these questions in advance is a good idea because it will help you to frame the issue in terms of your own sensibilities, rather than making it sound like a criticism of him and his prowess in bed.

It is an age-old strategy, but when you are trying to get someone on side, it is much more effective to use the “I” word than the “you” word, so think about what it is that bothers you and then, if possible, work out a way of presenting him with the problem and a possible solution.

If, for example, the main issue is the language he uses, tell him that certain words or expressions make you feel uncomfortable.

Some language can be offensive if the vocabulary demeans or depersonalises, yet men are often oblivious to the fact that many women are not turned on by a porn-style voiceover, which is probably where he learned this.

To illustrate the point, explain how hearing him say the words “I want you” makes you want to move closer to him, but more explicit language makes you flinch and move away.

If the central issue is one of linguistics, encouraging him to tone down the porn and focus on real-time sensation, or emotion, is an achievable compromise, and you may find that, when his narrative becomes more romantic in tone and content, you really like it.

If your personal preference is to have no talking at all during sex, the best thing to do would be to explain that talking distracts you and prevents you from concentrating on the sensations you are experiencing.

People want their partners to enjoy sex and if your boyfriend believes his chatter impedes your pleasure, he is likely to try to stop.

However, talking to you using certain language may be an arousal trigger for him and, if this is the case, complete silence might restrict his experience. 

If he has learnt to associate the behaviour (talking dirty) with the reward (orgasm), it will take time to unlearn the association, or to internalise the necessary narrative so that he can use it as a fantasy.

As a solution, you could propose some more creative alternatives. 

Turn the tables and ask him to listen while you read aloud to him from an erotic novel. 

There are thousands to choose from but I think the oldies are the best: Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille (1928), Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller (1934), The Story of O by Pauline Reage (1954) or Delta of Venus by Anais Nin (1977). 

Listening to the sound of your voice reading from engaging and arousing literary texts will be exciting for him — and for you.

* Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com 


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