Ask Audrey: I tried tantric sex with my yoga instructor once and we managed 47 minutes before the bus arrived at Parnell Place

Got a problem? Ask Audrey...

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of radical Sting fans back in Ballydehob, and didn’t she come home the other night and say we should try Tantric sex. I said that’s grand for people in Tantria, but we live four miles outside Skibbereen. She gave me one of her looks and said go off and do your research. So, what’s the crack with the Tantric sex? -John Joe Ger Joe, head west from Skibbereen until you meet a man who never read a book that wasn’t about greyhounds.

Tantric sex has been going on for over 5,000 years. (And there was Sting boasting about five hours.) It’s an Eastern spiritual approach to sex, where you delay your orgasm in order to reach fuller union with your partner.

I tried it with my yoga instructor once and we managed 47 minutes. We could have gone on for longer, except the bus arrived at Parnell Place and the driver shouted, “Sorry to spoil yeer fun there now lads, but I have to go on my break.”

C’mere, what’s the story with donuts. I’m back from Australia for a few weeks and half the shops in town do be selling them. I asked for a jam one the other day and the bloke behind the counter started laughing at me, even though he had his hair tied up in a bun. Anyway, what was so funny about asking for a jammy one? -Trevor, Farranree, I didn’t lose any of my accent when I was away, like.

That’s a shame; keep trying. I’m afraid looking for a jam donut is as passé as scoring with a stranger after a Pina Colada promotion. (Great times.) My dim nephew is after opening a chain of donut shops. I said what’s the difference between modern donuts and jammy ones? He said about €1.50 a pop.

I said maybe you’re not as dim as I thought you were.

He said, I am to be honest, but not as the dim as the people who come into my shops, and that’s the main thing Auntie Auds.

Hello old stock. I got talking to this fella the other evening when we were having a pint on the wall in Crookhaven. We were having a good old chinwag until he mentioned his son is in Colaiste Chriost Rí. Sure he might as well send him straight to prison! Can we assume this is the end of Crookhaven? -Reggie, Blackrock and Crookhaven, what’s wrong with Pres or Christians?

How long have you got? Yes, my sources tell me that Posh Cork now refers to Crook as YoughalHaven. It’s so bad that my Posh Cousin told me she was drinking a €14 gin and tonic down there last weekend, when someone mentioned St Al’s without laughing.

The high net-worth people who were there drifted back towards their Range Rovers and headed for Goleen without saying a word. They were seen in Schull later that night, arguing about who should foot the bill if they put up a Norry-proof wall.

Since that, nothing, they’ve completely disappeared. Who will look down on us now, Reggie?

I’m all set to pick up my 172 C Reg car from the car dealership next month. Is there a way to show that I paid for it in cash, rather than one of those lease deals they brought in for common types? -Clodagh, Rochestown Road, the seats are brown distressed leather, cost a fortune.

Just like your face. It’s true what you say, they’d give a new car to anyone these days.

But Posh Cork didn’t get where it is by being mistaken for a Norry.

That’s why they set up a new Facebook group called You Wouldn’t Catch Me Dead in Turner’s Cross. The idea is you post up a video of that moment in the car dealership when the guy asks if you need finance, at which point you burst out laughing and say, “What do you think I am, a teacher or something?”

Gruetzi from Zurich. I am delighted to see that the new Zurich-Cork flights are going well and am thinking about paying a visit to your ‘second city’. Could you give me some popular local phrases? -Celine, Zurich, we Swiss are not as boring as you might think.

Sorry for the delay, I fell asleep reading your letter.

Anyway, I hear the new flights to Switzerland are a huge hit with Cork men called Ken who don’t want to be bothering the Revenue with their excess profits and the like. Here is a typical conversation you can expect with a local in Cork.

You: “So, Donie, tell me about your ‘second city’.” Donie: “How do you mean second, like?” You: “Well, Dublin is the capital.” Donie: “That’s right, yeah.” You. “So, you are second.” Donie: “Where are you from?” You: “Zurich.” Donie: “Do you consider yourself second to Vienna?” You: “Vienna is in Austria.” Donie: “Answer the question, like.”


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